The Shifting of Persona

When deciding to start writing and to delve deeper into who I am, there were many strange occurrences.  I was realising what made me tick and the parts of me I didn’t like.  I stopped drinking wine during the week and then Feb Fast came along and I decided to give alcohol a miss for the whole month!  If I was trying to find the real me, there was no point masking it with alcohol. I also stopped eating sugar, the highs and lows weren’t helping.  I would wake in the middle of the night from a lucid dream and quickly start writing at my laptop, almost sleep writing.  Sometimes it would be from the characters and sometimes just whatever I needed to get out of my head.  It was all useful.  At the end of February I was skyping my parents and my mum said,

‘You look younger every time we skype’

“I feel it!’ I replied

The paring back of my persona was actually changing my appearance, or was it just the lack of sugar and alcohol? I did notice the corner of my eyes widen.  I then noticed my friends and family were either showing me another side to themselves, or I was becoming more aware of them.  I felt huge guilt at being so blind to these vulnerabilities of the people I love.  Had I spent such a long time not understanding myself, that I didn’t understand anyone else either.  Peoples faces started to look different to me, softer.

I have always had a lot of energy, somewhere along the road I think I trapped it inside, afraid of what it could or would do if I let it out.  It was time to find that energy, I knew exactly where it was.  It was a place I didn’t particularly want to go but we all have to face our demons at some point!

I am standing at the top of the stairs that lead down into the dark cellar.  I am petrified, this is where my fear comes from.  The huge heavy door that I have managed to open is behind me.  I need someone to hold my hand, or at least tie a rope around me so that they can pull me back if I get lost.  Jung did say not to enter into this individuation process alone, now I know why!

I phone a friend and explain that I am standing at the top of the stairs leading down to the dark cellar.  The heavy door that I have opened is behind me.  Luckily my friend is even crazier than me, completely understanding my frustration at the situation. He says,

‘Find the bloody light switch’

My book Sharks & Lovers is available to download here:

Amazon       Kobo       iTunes