After watching the tragic end of Anna Karenina. I realised there was something I needed to look at and let go. In previous posts I have talked about finding my inner child. Feeling so pleased to have her back I was ignoring the fact that she wasn’t very happy. Trying to give her a voice and indulging her in childish games wasn’t working, she needed to let go of something.
Today I took a walk along the beach, we all have moments in our life we would like to forget but can’t. I decided to take the emotion out of the memory as I could not take the memory from my head.
I wandered down to the beach a few tears rolling down my cheeks. It was time to let go of this, I knew exactly what I was going to do. I had a plan. Whilst thinking of the situation every time I felt a different emotion, I would pick up a pebble. I would then write the emotion on the pebble, ponder it, feel it and throw it into the sea. So as I walked along I ended up with six pebbles. Fear, Vulnerable, Anger, Sad, Confusion and the big one that has stopped me in my tracks a few times, Petrified. I knew petrified as soon as I saw the big grey misshapen pebble. That one would have to be last. Although I hated it, I had grown accustomed to its hold over me. I didn’t quite want to let it go. I sat looking out to sea, the waves gently lapping, the sound soothing me as I thought back to that place.
Ok Fear, you are first, you are not very helpful, goodbye.
It made a nice little plop sound that made me smile. Vulnerable was next, this pebble felt cold and I shed a tear as I threw it into the sea, it disappeared with a spurt of water. Anger was heavy and needed a thrust, I let out a little yelp as if throwing a boulder not a small pebble. To my amazement the sound of it hitting the water was louder than I imagined. Sad was easy and as it broke the waters surface a huge wave of joy rushed over me. I looked down just two left. I took a break and thought back to the place that had burdened me with all of these emotions, already it had lost it’s darkness. Then I picked up the small red stone.
I don’t know what you are but I have chosen you for a reason, so farewell.
In it went, that was confusion I realised later when I got home.
Petrified sat in my hand and I rubbed at its strange smooth bumps.
It’s time to let go of you, you have probably protected me from risk and maybe even kept me safe. However I need to spread my wings and you are holding me back.
I stood up and looked at the small rock in my hand then off it went flying through the air, the water taking it from me. It hardly made a sound as it disappeared. I stood and watched the water returning its shape thinking how these pebbles are now making their home on the sea bed and no longer in my head. I stretched my hands up in the air and smiled. I laugh to myself and walk up the steps back to the car, so much lighter and happier. I climb to the top of the the sandy makeshift stairs in the side of the cliff. Looking back at the water that has taken this burden from me I smile in gratitude. I own my life and love and no one will ever hurt me like that again.
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