My hubby and I have been through the mill these last few years, emigration, five house moves, working away, illness and redundancy. Basically we’ve experienced life and sometimes it pulls you together and sometimes it pushes you apart. We love each other sure but in love, no. Friends absolutely, lovers no.
It’s a harsh reality that we had to discuss. We are not connected and the more I write and get back to myself the further away we seem to drift. I found happiness in my writing and discovering myself.
‘You have changed so much’ he said. I have he is right and I love this new me but it’s not compatible to him any more, we both seem to accept that.
Not wanting to unsettle our two beautiful children nothing has drastically changed in our set up other than awareness and willingness to talk.
‘It seems everyone has been through this, is going through this or is divorced’ he said after talking to a few of his friends. He seemed surprised to find that there are not many happy marriages around. Everyone is struggling in one way or another, even if it is unsaid.
‘Men just don’t talk about their marriages’ he said.
Where we are right now reminds me so much of my first miscarriage. A sadness that we shared together. My body and mind seemed so disconnected from the world. It was out of my control and yet I was losing a part of me. All of a sudden the women around me shared their truth and experiences of miscarriage and I realised I wasn’t alone. It didn’t change the awful guilt or indescribable confusion about why this would happen but it helped with the isolation I had felt. I know my husbands friends were also willing to share their experiences too and it helped.
As we travel down this new road of ‘uncoupling’ I hope isolation isn’t a destination or even a pit stop. I hope we are not ‘damned’ for our new way of life.
I want to be happy and for those around me to be happy too, it’s that simple. Even when simple seems like a distant dream.