Red Rock

Wandering down to the quarry yesterday, the jagged red cliffs and beautifully still water would echo the ebb and flow of the day ahead!

The light fragmented on the cold hard rock face, whilst cockatoo’s glided peacefully out of green woolly crevices, boasting loudly of their higher perspective and freedom from the earth.

Continue reading

Crazy Bitch


Sorry if I offend you but I have a little story to tell about this CB.

‘You have never met a Crazy Bitch like this before have you?’

This was the beginning of the new me, I had tried to be the dutiful wife and the Mary Poppins mother. All us mums had husbands that were disconnected and working away. Everyone else however seemed to hold it together so well and those that didn’t were talked about; 

‘I don’t know how she copes!’ Simply implying she isn’t. 

‘Oh it’s a hard time for them at the moment’ whilst plastered grins on the speakers faces hide a multitude of depression, infidelity and unhappiness.

My Mary Poppins costume just didn’t fit, I was popping out all over the place! I spent years trying to tuck myself back in until I realised my mortality, what a smack in the face that was! 

All of a sudden the flabby bits didn’t matter, it was my hard heart I needed to listen to. I had to stop pleasing, I had to stop pretending and most importantly I needed to look myself in the eye.

That’s when the truth turned up and the Crazy Bitch returned in full flow. I had to be me and accept that not everyone would like it, some people would find it scary…I still don’t know what to do with them! But most people are accepting of my new happiness.

The biggest compliment was from my big bro this week, he checks in with me and sometimes gives me a verbal slap. We take it in turns to be the adult. ‘I’ve seen other people grow into the person they should be’ he said. Wow that was nice. He also implied it’s hard for the people around them, I accept that.

When I spoke to one of my friends recently about the fragility of my marriage her response was ‘You’re very brave only one out of ten marriages I know are happy and they accept it, they don’t question it’. I don’t know who is right but I want to be happy, not right or wrong!

I have to be me, are you being you?

Honestly?

The Un Couple

My hubby and I have been through the mill these last few years, emigration, five house moves, working away, illness and redundancy. Basically we’ve experienced life and sometimes it pulls you together and sometimes it pushes you apart. We love each other sure but in love, no. Friends absolutely, lovers no.

It’s a harsh reality that we had to discuss. We are not connected and the more I write and get back to myself the further away we seem to drift.  I found happiness in my writing and discovering myself. 

‘You have changed so much’ he said. I have he is right and I love this new me but it’s not compatible to him any more, we both seem to accept that.

Not wanting to unsettle our two beautiful children nothing has drastically changed in our set up other than awareness and willingness to talk.

‘It seems everyone has been through this, is going through this or is divorced’ he said after talking to a few of his friends.  He seemed surprised to find that there are not many happy marriages around. Everyone is struggling in one way or another, even if it is unsaid.

‘Men just don’t talk about their marriages’ he said. 

Where we are right now reminds me so much of my first miscarriage. A sadness that we shared together.  My body and mind seemed so disconnected from the world. It was out of my control and yet I was losing a part of me. All of a sudden the women around me shared their truth and experiences of miscarriage and I realised I wasn’t alone. It didn’t change the awful guilt or indescribable confusion about why this would happen but it helped with the isolation I had felt. I know my husbands friends were also willing to share their experiences too and it helped.

As we travel down this new road of ‘uncoupling’ I hope isolation isn’t a destination or even a pit stop. I hope we are not ‘damned’ for our new way of life.

I want to be happy and for those around me to be happy too, it’s that simple. Even when simple seems like a distant dream.

Reflections


What an amazing year! My first book published and distributors knocking at the door! Wonderful clients who teach me so much and fabulous new friends and colleagues who enrich this journey.

Next year will see my second book published, writing workshops, more fantastic clients to help work on their books and another Sexpo. I’m sure other exciting projects will come along too, I just cannot wait!

My new workshops will include;

 

 

 

Continue reading

Noosa

I was trying third person writing whilst away this July in Noosa. I didn’t publish it at the time because I didn’t like it but it’s grown on me a bit more now.


Noosa

He walked along the shoreline looking out onto the river, under the surface of the water he knew the fish were territorial. The flat glass surface reflecting the suns glinting rays however showed no sign of this underworld.  Just as the pretty girls that walked the riverside their bodies happily bouncing showed no signs of the venom that Tom had experienced. No sign at all on their beautiful faces or their long smooth legs. They should come with warning signs! thought Tom.

Jules had been his latest jilter. Tom was a tall lad 6ft 3, broad shoulders and an even broader smile. Girls fell for him even before he opened his mouth and his Irish lilt spilled out, showering their small pretty ears with gifts of kindness and compliments. The problem was that Tom would bestow these kind gifts on anyone and everyone. They were not precious stones only occasionally found glinting in the sun, they were showers of light that would pour out of him. Sharing was his gift, he knew no other way.  At first a beautiful sight but all too soon the receiver of these gems would want them all to herself, would want the sharing to stop.

These wonderful women didn’t think he would stick around. The next pretty girls head to turn was after all just across the road or serving him his next skinny cap.

Noosa was a seasonal resort and Tom hadn’t yet suffered a summer when the stifling heat was like wading through a sickly sweet soup. Tom was a dreamer and the next road trip had always been just a pay check away until now.  He had fallen for Jules and had spent slow Sexy evenings sharing wine by the river, wrapping her up in soft blankets so that his hands could wander free. 

He had also fallen for Noosa, the river had a vibe of its own different to the beach and the buzz of Main Street. He could easily settle here. What he had failed to tell Jules was that he had citizenship and could stay wherever he chose but he didn’t want her to know, he didn’t want to give anyone that power again and so Toms vicious circle kept turning, except this time he had found its axis.

A Curiously Normal Sexpo


Whilst arriving at Sexpo this weekend with my subject of sexual liberation I couldn’t help thinking of comparisons of my book with a certain Shades of Grey, obviously I’m happy about being compared to a book that has become a multimillion dollar business.  In the back of my mind I was thinking how the ‘Grey’ books have changed erotic fiction and people’s acceptance of it, did I need to be at Sexpo? Surely sexy fiction is mainstream now? Maybe it is but liberation certainly isn’t as I found out almost immediately.

Continue reading

Fictional Memoir


Apparently Truman Capote was one of the founders of the fictional memoir. What a fabulous idea weaving fiction and fact together most of us do that everyday anyway and sometimes the fabulous freedom of fiction can help you focus on the facts.

Letting fictional characters reveal truths about yourself and yet leaving the reader wondering about exactly which threads are real is genius.  As for the author talking to a stranger is so much easier, talking to the reader who we cannot even see is so much simpler, thank you!  

When a character knows you enough to take you through all of your trials and tribulations and takes the time to gently reveal a different perspective they become your allies, part of the team. Occasionally the protagonist propels their perceptions with no protection for the author but that’s ok we are just the singer in the band. Thank you Characters.

I believe the writer is in flow when they write from their subconscious not their conscious mind. That is why you cannot edit as you go and also why there are so many mistakes. It’s like a right hander putting the pen in their left hand and finally getting to their truth. Obviously it’s extremely freeing but also confronting and continuously changing.  Thank you subconscious.

Fear & Loathing in Las Vegas and On The Road are well known fictional memoirs. I wonder how many or which of Jane Austens novels are fictional memoir?  I’m also sure there are many novels that are still sitting in ‘fiction’ whereby even the author doesn’t realise or are not willing to admit to fact. Thank you authors.

My fictional memoir Sharks and Lovers is available to download here Amazon