It was an amazing question that my (extraordinarily handsome) E.N.T consultant asked me two years ago. I’d been ill for a while and had lost my self. Although to be honest I had lost my self long before I got ill!
Wandering down to the quarry yesterday, the jagged red cliffs and beautifully still water would echo the ebb and flow of the day ahead!
The light fragmented on the cold hard rock face, whilst cockatoo’s glided peacefully out of green woolly crevices, boasting loudly of their higher perspective and freedom from the earth.
Sorry if I offend you but I have a little story to tell about this CB.
‘You have never met a Crazy Bitch like this before have you?’
This was the beginning of the new me, I had tried to be the dutiful wife and the Mary Poppins mother. All us mums had husbands that were disconnected and working away. Everyone else however seemed to hold it together so well and those that didn’t were talked about;
‘I don’t know how she copes!’ Simply implying she isn’t.
‘Oh it’s a hard time for them at the moment’ whilst plastered grins on the speakers faces hide a multitude of depression, infidelity and unhappiness.
My Mary Poppins costume just didn’t fit, I was popping out all over the place! I spent years trying to tuck myself back in until I realised my mortality, what a smack in the face that was!
All of a sudden the flabby bits didn’t matter, it was my hard heart I needed to listen to. I had to stop pleasing, I had to stop pretending and most importantly I needed to look myself in the eye.
That’s when the truth turned up and the Crazy Bitch returned in full flow. I had to be me and accept that not everyone would like it, some people would find it scary…I still don’t know what to do with them! But most people are accepting of my new happiness.
The biggest compliment was from my big bro this week, he checks in with me and sometimes gives me a verbal slap. We take it in turns to be the adult. ‘I’ve seen other people grow into the person they should be’ he said. Wow that was nice. He also implied it’s hard for the people around them, I accept that.
When I spoke to one of my friends recently about the fragility of my marriage her response was ‘You’re very brave only one out of ten marriages I know are happy and they accept it, they don’t question it’. I don’t know who is right but I want to be happy, not right or wrong!
I have to be me, are you being you?
My hubby and I have been through the mill these last few years, emigration, five house moves, working away, illness and redundancy. Basically we’ve experienced life and sometimes it pulls you together and sometimes it pushes you apart. We love each other sure but in love, no. Friends absolutely, lovers no.
It’s a harsh reality that we had to discuss. We are not connected and the more I write and get back to myself the further away we seem to drift. I found happiness in my writing and discovering myself.
‘You have changed so much’ he said. I have he is right and I love this new me but it’s not compatible to him any more, we both seem to accept that.
Not wanting to unsettle our two beautiful children nothing has drastically changed in our set up other than awareness and willingness to talk.
‘It seems everyone has been through this, is going through this or is divorced’ he said after talking to a few of his friends. He seemed surprised to find that there are not many happy marriages around. Everyone is struggling in one way or another, even if it is unsaid.
‘Men just don’t talk about their marriages’ he said.
Where we are right now reminds me so much of my first miscarriage. A sadness that we shared together. My body and mind seemed so disconnected from the world. It was out of my control and yet I was losing a part of me. All of a sudden the women around me shared their truth and experiences of miscarriage and I realised I wasn’t alone. It didn’t change the awful guilt or indescribable confusion about why this would happen but it helped with the isolation I had felt. I know my husbands friends were also willing to share their experiences too and it helped.
As we travel down this new road of ‘uncoupling’ I hope isolation isn’t a destination or even a pit stop. I hope we are not ‘damned’ for our new way of life.
I want to be happy and for those around me to be happy too, it’s that simple. Even when simple seems like a distant dream.
What’s your point?
The point of writing is surely to express an opinion or an insight. What is your unique perspective? What do you want to tell the world?
A spilt pot of black ink
Covers your soul
Gone in a blink
Then back with a blow
This weapon is heavy and strong and true
A friend you thought, a part of you
Then it is dashed
And reality changes
Light has entered
The darkness endangered
Next year will see my second book published, writing workshops, more fantastic clients to help work on their books and another Sexpo. I’m sure other exciting projects will come along too, I just cannot wait!
My new workshops will include;