Feb Fast 2021

After a gluttonous 2020 with covid destroying any hopes of…well any hope! I decided as I do most years to try Feb Fast (No alcohol for the whole month). I usually last about two weeks but hey at least I try!

Feb

I also started a diploma of Justice this week which kept me very busy and the kids started back at school after their summer break so it’s been a busy household! The first two days were fine I never usually drink on a Monday or Tuesday so this was normal but for some reason during covid the weekend seemed to stretch from Friday and Saturday to then Thursday, Friday, Saturday then Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Well now you know why I was doing Feb Fast! This year however I managed to go the whole month and felt fantastic, structure reappeared along with sobriety.

June

After feb fast I decided to sign up to a personal training group; body and mind transformation. I’ve had a couple of pt’s over the years and I knew it was time for change again. Some people think that a PT is an extravagance but we all need help in areas of our life and sometimes that help needs to be paid for! The best investments I’ve ever made have been in myself and this is no exception.

This time I had discovered Deepak Chopra and meditation which helped a lot with focusing on the bigger things in life like abundance and happiness, stillness and contentment. Realising these qualities were within me, something I could call upon whenever I chose was a break through. I no longer needed to strive and feel inadequate, everything I needed was right here all along.

The fitness coach Dan ‘the man‘ from the Uk has a lot of humility and strangely a very laid back attitude. My previous trainers definitely subscribed to the stick not the carrot, I could end up feeling so guilty if I stumbled and accidentally slipped a bag of haribo in my face. But Dans training didn’t seem centred around guilt and what’s ‘bad’ much more about how to improve and grow mentally as well as physically. A holistic approach.

The first two weeks were crazy and by the third week I’d lost 5 kilos! I got my swimmers on and headed to the beach. The beach is my happy place, rain or shine. Listening to the waves is such a soothing sound and one that I carry from my childhood of living by the sea, all be it the freezing North Sea! Now I’m in Melbourne even today in the middle of winter the clear water looks inviting.

Well it’s June now and I’ve lost well over 14 kilos. Much more than the five or six I put on in lockdown 2020 and I feel so good physically and mentally.

Lockdown may well be a new way of life, here to stay but so too is my new found healthier mentality towards my body and soul.

Leash

Walking along the beach on my usual dog walk enjoying the sound of the waves crashing and the sea gulls squawking. Ray chased back and forth in his kelpie dashes.

A regular dog walker that I recognised was about 500 meters away, one of those long haired shaggy dogs always friendly and happy to see my Ray loping along. Equally the owner always happy to smile or wave.

Between us a new fella and his big Alsatian on the lead, I looked to Ray ready to call him and leash him as did the other woman with her dog. However as we approached him from either side of the small cove he retreated into the bush land with his dog and sat quietly.

Ray hadn’t yet spotted the Alsatian, too intent on catching those seagulls, (with no actual hope of that whatsoever!). Neither had the shaggy dog as he gave Ray a quick sniff. The Alsatian and owner now camouflaged in the undergrowth. We all carried on our walks.

Consideration, respect and kindness sometimes doesn’t even need to start with a smile!

Reading Returned

Reading a passion returned

One good thing that came out of the covid 19 lockdown was my passion for reading returned! Mentors by Russell Brand was an interesting book, I know we all need mentors in our life but not many people actively seek them out, most of the time they occur by accident, not intention. This story of mentors and mentoring was inspiring, from his therapists through to teachers and trainers. I wonder if he had not been an addict, admitted to being an addict or received help, would he had discovered mentors at all? The quote stuck with me and was my takeaway from the book;

“We are first a parent to ourselves”

Brand was questioning what right did he have to be a parent or mentor to a tiny human when he had not mentored or parented himself very well. A great question that perhaps many of us should ask! However would the human race survive if any of us were truthful with the answer? Self care is now a hot topic but 50 years ago did it go by another name or simply not exist? Through mentoring we can realise our own strengths and weaknesses and hopefully develop ourselves and others. Everyone has something to offer by way of advice and lessons learnt, if advice is sought surely it is a human responsibility to mentor.

A Room of One’s Own – Virginia Woolfe

Having owned a hard copy of this book for about 10 years I have picked it up four or five times to read without success. I knew it was a book that as a woman I should read but every time I started it overwhelmed me; I didn’t understand what Virginia Woolfe was trying to say!

Listening was easier; the narrator was an actress from many period dramas  and it was as if Virginia Woolf herself was in the room. This is not a work of fiction or memoir, I realised; this is an essay! Finally it clicked I could hear the words for what they were, researched opinion.

It was funny, insightful with strong feminist views that I enjoyed hearing. It made me proud to be a woman and want to write more compelling stories myself.  I have also read two more essay style memoirs; Phosphorescence by Julia Baird and The Moment of Lift by Melinda Gates both definitely worth a read for any women needing a powerful pick me up.

The Barefoot investor – Scott Pape

Well this was a relief; I realised I was doing a lot of things right with my finances. Amazingly it made me realise how happy I am and also how to plan more effectively for my future. I thoroughly recommend this book to anyone wanting to save or increase their wealth. Don’t make the mistake of thinking it is only for the wealthy!

What are you listening to?

 

Memoir

Frankie BanksWhy Write Memoir?

Many people have kept journals throughout their life, a memoir. Perhaps over a period of travel, a period of change or a period of trauma. Some people write in their journal every day. These writings can easily be turned into a book of memoir. But why? And who would read it? Would you really want your nearest and dearest to?

Have you ever found one of your relatives diaries or letters? It’s always so intriguing to read a family members point of view on love or death, on the big subjects rarely discussed.  That is why you should publish for others to learn; a new viewpoint, a different way of life, even experience a by gone era.

Family History

Family are generally much more forgiving than we give them credit for and they really do want to know the family secrets, even if that secret is merely just a different perspective.

Families over generations sometimes follow the same trends and where that stems from is always interesting.  Websites such as ancestry.com encourage us to delve deeper into our family history but where do we put this information? Do we put it in a bottom draw hoping someone will find it or do we self publish it and help the story to live and breathe.

Fictional Memoir

Capote is most famous for writing fictional memoir. Some memories are too traumatic to simply publish with complete truth and some writers also like to provide some discreet cover by way of fictional memoir.  Sticking to the plot of what happened but perhaps renaming or reshaping some sequences so as not to offend can be ideal. It’s your story after all, it’s your perspective, you can write it however you see fit!

Memoir Memories as Therapy

Writing memories as memoir is also a proven therapy known as written exposure therapy. In conjunction with a therapist this is one of the best known ways to deal with post traumatic stress disorder. I would argue that in varying degrees we have all overcome or suffered from a traumatic experience at some point in our lives. With or without guidance we can all write the wrongs.

In conclusion memoir helps our families to understand and learn about their history, it helps us to move forward from trauma and it helps anyone who reads to widen their perspective and maybe write their own story one day. So what are you waiting for?

If you would like some help with your writing or getting published please email me at frankiebanks27@gmail.com

Responsible Control

Fate vs Free Will

Can we split the whole world into two camps? Those who think they are responsible and in control for the things that happen to them and those who believe it’s all just luck. Is the answer to all of life’s psychological games simply the question, do you take responsibility? Fate vs free will.

As much as we do take responsibility we know there is a certain degree of luck that is required in this life. What if you sat back more and let things just happen, would the result be the same? Those who strive and take pride in their work and relationships will succeed more often than those who just let life unfold, surely?

Control

‘I can only control my thoughts and my actions’

Responsibilities are sometimes weighty and can feel like a lot of pressure but also a pride can be taken in them.  Personally I have a love/hate relationship with control. Freedom to me is running through a field of tall grass, booking a plane ticket on a whim, basically doing the opposite of what is expected. Well that’s not very responsible is it! Is that why it feels so good?

The way our conditioning controls us and holds us responsible is sometimes the weight of power that determines our actions. There’s no room for dreams in responsible land. But what if being responsible enables dreams, buying that house enables you to buy another house and eventually live in your ‘dream’ home.  Going to school enables your dreams to come true, to work in a city, to get the big shot job that enables you to live by the beach and surf every weekend.

Some people take responsibility too seriously and some seem to have spent their whole life without it ever even brushing past them, never even stood close enough to feel its heavy breath. Perhaps though that is just a perception and they are the swans whose skinny legs are frantically taking responsibility for the enormous weight they feel at sea level.

Drama Triangle

I believe we all have a Drama Triangle in our lives it’s just a matter of are we enjoying it? Are we aware of it? Does it feed our need to be ‘special’?

Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer? It isn’t just a question of which one are you? As my eleven year old daughter quite simply put, ‘Yes, different people make you feel or react differently’. We all can play a different role with different people.

With your parents you may want them to be the Rescuer because that is how we have been conditioned as a child. However as you grow up and they get older you may well find yourself rescuing them! I think this is the most placid example of a Drama Triangle situation with the outside world of challenges, responsibilities and friendships acting as the persecutor.

This is a great article about the The Drama Triangle and in my opinion we all feed someone’s, if not our own. Is this subconscious manipulation or simply human nature?

So what’s the problem? Especially if you are the Rescuer because surely that’s the best one to be! Surely you are only helping, not hurting the other people involved?

Even as Rescuer you are keeping the victim stuck and more worryingly you are keeping the persecutor stuck in their role and feeding their behaviour.

Perhaps this victims real and first persecutor was years ago, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years ago. This is the only relationship model they know and so it is a recurring theme in the victims life. By playing the Rescuer today you are reinforcing the victims behaviour, you are encouraging them to find another persecutor.

#Metoo

This is one of the reasons the #metoo movement didn’t quite sit favourably with me. Abuse of any kind is wrong there is no doubt about it. The movement started with a pure purpose, like so many do. However watching #metoo, methree, mefour, memillions I couldn’t help wondering how many victims were being given justification to live in this blame culture. What about #mefree? At some point we have to forgive, learn and move on.

I also wonder if this movement vindicated the persecutor? – ‘well if I’m a persecutor I had better go persecute someone!’ I realise it’s a very simplistic view but don’t humans like to complicate things?

I wonder how this blame culture will end as we sit to watch the next Witch dropped in to the pond, the next gladiator eaten surprisingly by the tiger.

I adore many feministic views but keeping us in the role of victim, shouting about it and blaming individuals at best is a circus at worst it seems like playground tactics. Have any of the enormous peodophile rings and human trafficking statistics changed since #metoo? I’m thinking Not.

Breaking the Cycle

So how do we break this drama triangle? I believe just being present with our language and not feeding others weaknesses is a place to start. Be kind with our stories of ourselves, to ourselves and others. Realise how and what we trigger and be responsible. Be ourselves, be kind and try not to be reactive.

Forgive and if need be change our behaviour.

Dry Tears

Yarra Valley Christmas

We were holidaying for three weeks in the beautiful Yarra Valley over Christmas 2019, it’s a place we regularly visit but this time we were on high alert. Constantly checking our Victoria Emergency Application. We had an evacuation plan if the fires got within 100km.  Although they didn’t, friends  were not so lucky!

As our friend sat in our camp chair the anxiety in his quavering voice told us of his girlfriend who had lost her home. She had been stranded on the beach waiting to be rescued and then taken to a friends house where she would stay. Her house was ruined. This big burly Aussie that for so long to us was always smiling was reduced to tears. The fires affected every Victorian in some way or another and we all knew someone who had been displaced because of them.

Extravagant Excess

One day the heat was over 45 degrees celsius and so we took shelter in a nearby hotel the glass of the beautiful restaurant over looking the Yarra hills. Suddenly the glass shook with a blast of hot wind and the electricity cut out. The whole room looked at each other but knew we had nothing to complain about.

It seemed strange that only a few months later the fires were gone and we were all in lockdown, the complete opposite of the fleeing from fire that we had seen at the beginning of the year.  The country towns that had been abandoned were now seeing house prices rise as the densely populated city is the place to run from. Remote working is now a new norm and hopefully having a positive impact on the small towns of Victoria and NSW that the fires affected.

The fires will no doubt come again next year but lets hope they are not as bad as 2019 and that people can return to some normality. As for covid well that cycle seems to also be around for longer than anticipated. Will 2020 be our first covid Christmas?

 

Behind Closed Doors

Persona

It seems many of us have spent the last ten years creating the most fabulous Facebook personality, the ever positive, always looking on the bright side, never swaying from sanity persona but now we are faced with the real us! Are we the conspiracy theorist, the placid follower or the rebellious vigilante? Are we the next self help guru trying hard to believe our own scripts?

The real life version of our selves has started to reveal itself on social media as we grapple with the global pandemic. It’s interesting to see the shift in persona. Who we are when we’re at home behind closed doors, when the camera is off, the light isn’t hiding the double chin and our eyes aren’t focused in exactly the right direction.  Suddenly this person seems to be visible, this version has uncloaked itself for all to see.

Being house bound during lock down means not dressing up for work and not making our face perfect. So who are you when you are stripped down to your baggy tracksuit, pj’s, dressing gown or jeans n T? For most of us we are the same but maybe with more shadow than light, more critic and less forgiveness. This person also has an opinion, a voice and a public face. Although it might not be the one we all want and hope to see or portray.

Introvert vs Extrovert

 Are these ‘extroverts’ the angry protesters? Or are these extroverts simply introverting the anger of nations until it eventually explodes? We all have an extrovert in us, the one that is all over social media where no real exchange can be given.

The Introvert, one may presume self isolation is more suited, someone who actually enjoys their own company enough to feel energised by it. However presumably this time by themselves means on their own, not surrounded by all the other people in the house self isolating with them!

Extrovert is not necessarily the life and soul of the party but just someone who energises themselves with other people’s company. There is no wrong or right and we all change on a daily basis how introverted or extrovert we feel. Right now neither are probably getting the right degree of energy! Both equally frustrated.

The Self

Whilst we may be stripped back to bare all with no material influences at the moment perhaps that is a good thing.  The blossom tree can be just as beautiful in the winter months, the closed flower as enticing. Perhaps the persona and ego don’t mind taking a back seat once in a while.  Maybe we are realising there is so much more to life than social media and creating a false reality, the self is actually far more interesting!

Spending a Penny

 

My Nan would always use the expression ‘spend a penny’ to let us know that she was just ‘popping to the loo’.  It would always make me giggle. After a little research I discovered that men’s urinals were free, it was just the women who had to spend that penny! The last time I was in London, Liverpool Street Station still charged to use their conveniences! I hope they don’t now.

I’m glad that Australia seems to have toilets on every corner, maybe it’s because you need to drink more water over here with the dry heat? Whatever the reason they are much better equiped in some aspects of their infrastructure than good old England!

Abundance Meditation

Reflection

Three weeks ago I started The Deepak Chopra 21 Day Abundance Meditation course, I was invited by an acquaintance on a Facebook ‘single parents’ group, (definitely a subject for another post). The previous day I had started to go through the shed, so much of my personal belongings were put out into storage whilst we Airbnb’d the house last year. It was time to reacquaint myself with treasures of the past.  I found my jewellery box that my Nan bought me when I was a child.  The inscription in the mirror read ‘Treasure the Beauty That Surrounds Us’. 

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