happy

Leash

/ frankiebanks27@gmail.com

Walking along the beach on my usual dog walk enjoying the sound of the waves crashing and the sea gulls squawking. Ray chased back and forth in his kelpie dashes.

A regular dog walker that I recognised was about 500 meters away, one of those long haired shaggy dogs always friendly and happy to see my Ray loping along. Equally the owner always happy to smile or wave.

Between us a new fella and his big Alsatian on the lead, I looked to Ray ready to call him and leash him as did the other woman with her dog. However as we approached him from either side of the small cove he retreated into the bush land with his dog and sat quietly.

Ray hadn’t yet spotted the Alsatian, too intent on catching those seagulls, (with no actual hope of that whatsoever!). Neither had the shaggy dog as he gave Ray a quick sniff. The Alsatian and owner now camouflaged in the undergrowth. We all carried on our walks.

Consideration, respect and kindness sometimes doesn’t even need to start with a smile!

Independence

/ frankiebanks27@gmail.com / 1 Comment

Independence Is the key to Success.

Dependant, Independence, Co-dependant, Dependant. Is that the life cycle we are to live?

Whether you are in a relationship or single I truly believe that independence is the key to your success. As soon as co-dependency turns up in your life it initiates a control situation which is where unhealthy relationships evolve. Obviously we all start out in co- dependant/dependant relationships with our parents/carers and maybe that is why some of us are always happier in these relationships and seek sanctuary in them. However I truly believe being at one with yourself can only come through being independent, independently in love with yourself and caring for yourself first above all others.

I’ve spoken in many posts about the ‘Who’s looking after you?’ question. The answer to that has to always be Me.

Victim-Rescuer

There is no need for controlling relationships however at some point in our lives we all want someone to look after us and this is when we release our power to another or even entice someone to take up control of our lives for us, we have given up. We’ve all been there; too tired mentally or physically to carry on with the good fight why not step aside and surrender to the social norm of victim/rescuer, (that Disney has promoted to us on numerous occasions).

I believe that abusive relationships suffered in the past were encouraged by the thinking that one human must be dominated by another. It is frowned upon now but I remember clearly as a child conversations and games that would be labelled wrong now but ‘a bit of fun’ twenty years ago. Evolution is a wonderful thing but only if we learn and act, not just take growth for granted.

So as I teach my children independence it isn’t only about teaching them how to cook, look after themselves and respect themselves although of course all of those things help!It is about owning the power to be independent of others thinking and trusting yourself. It’s about backing your own beliefs and knowing you can lay down and take a break occasionally but that doesn’t mean handing over control to someone else or initiating victim/rescuer behaviour. When that victim behaviour turns up at best you will find a rescuer to control you but when that turns to abuse, will you recognise it? Hopefully with eyes wide open that can interpret what abuse is however whilst in the moment it can be very hard to see!

So how do you stop victim/rescuer relationships when we all like to be the child sometimes. I guess it is just being aware of when you are in that frame of mind and if you have initiated it or if some else’s actions have triggered your victim behaviour.

Healthy & Happy

Independence doesn’t mean no relationships, it means me first. Which as a caring, loving woman isn’t always easy to do but just remembering every day to put me first means I’m healthy for me, I’m working for me, I’m in control of me and nobody else is.

So to all those independent women out there I say ‘Cheers!’

Crazy Bitch

/ frankiebanks27@gmail.com

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Sorry if I offend you but I have a little story to tell about this CB.

‘You have never met a Crazy Bitch like this before have you?’

This was the beginning of the new me, I had tried to be the dutiful wife and the Mary Poppins mother. All us mums had husbands that were disconnected and working away. Everyone else however seemed to hold it together so well and those that didn’t were talked about; 

‘I don’t know how she copes!’ Simply implying she isn’t. 

‘Oh it’s a hard time for them at the moment’ whilst plastered grins on the speakers faces hide a multitude of depression, infidelity and unhappiness.

My Mary Poppins costume just didn’t fit, I was popping out all over the place! I spent years trying to tuck myself back in until I realised my mortality, what a smack in the face that was! 

All of a sudden the flabby bits didn’t matter, it was my hard heart I needed to listen to. I had to stop pleasing, I had to stop pretending and most importantly I needed to look myself in the eye.

That’s when the truth turned up and the Crazy Bitch returned in full flow. I had to be me and accept that not everyone would like it, some people would find it scary…I still don’t know what to do with them! But most people are accepting of my new happiness.

The biggest compliment was from my big bro this week, he checks in with me and sometimes gives me a verbal slap. We take it in turns to be the adult. ‘I’ve seen other people grow into the person they should be’ he said. Wow that was nice. He also implied it’s hard for the people around them, I accept that.

When I spoke to one of my friends recently about the fragility of my marriage her response was ‘You’re very brave only one out of ten marriages I know are happy and they accept it, they don’t question it’. I don’t know who is right but I want to be happy, not right or wrong!

I have to be me, are you being you?

Honestly?