Crazy Bitch


Sorry if I offend you but I have a little story to tell about this CB.

‘You have never met a Crazy Bitch like this before have you?’

This was the beginning of the new me, I had tried to be the dutiful wife and the Mary Poppins mother. All us mums had husbands that were disconnected and working away. Everyone else however seemed to hold it together so well and those that didn’t were talked about; 

‘I don’t know how she copes!’ Simply implying she isn’t. 

‘Oh it’s a hard time for them at the moment’ whilst plastered grins on the speakers faces hide a multitude of depression, infidelity and unhappiness.

My Mary Poppins costume just didn’t fit, I was popping out all over the place! I spent years trying to tuck myself back in until I realised my mortality, what a smack in the face that was! 

All of a sudden the flabby bits didn’t matter, it was my hard heart I needed to listen to. I had to stop pleasing, I had to stop pretending and most importantly I needed to look myself in the eye.

That’s when the truth turned up and the Crazy Bitch returned in full flow. I had to be me and accept that not everyone would like it, some people would find it scary…I still don’t know what to do with them! But most people are accepting of my new happiness.

The biggest compliment was from my big bro this week, he checks in with me and sometimes gives me a verbal slap. We take it in turns to be the adult. ‘I’ve seen other people grow into the person they should be’ he said. Wow that was nice. He also implied it’s hard for the people around them, I accept that.

When I spoke to one of my friends recently about the fragility of my marriage her response was ‘You’re very brave only one out of ten marriages I know are happy and they accept it, they don’t question it’. I don’t know who is right but I want to be happy, not right or wrong!

I have to be me, are you being you?

Honestly?

Urgent Writing from my Shadow


I urgently had to get to the cafe yesterday where I do a lot of my writing. It was busy because the wind outside was cold, the energy inside was enormous! I had no idea which project I was about to embark on as I opened my laptop and took a sip of my warm sweet latte.

I started with S.E.L.F (my writing tool that I have begun) and reread the piece that I wrote whilst on my road trip;

Sharon had been hiding in the cellar, she was petrified that the world would judge her and so she locked herself away. The lack of light had stunted her growth and she had regressed into a little girl, she thought this was her power and so this was the persona she threw out to the world.  However it was time for her to grow up and become a woman and so she decided to open the door from the cellar. As she climbed the thirteen steps the light hit her and immediatly she grew.  Like a new born she couldn’t see properly for a while, it took time for her eyes to adjust to this different perspective. It took months not weeks before she could stand tall again but one day she looked into the mirror and recognised the reflection, she smiled her eyes wider than ever before.

Immediately it evoked huge emotion and I realised that it was time to plan my Sexpo talk. The characters that I arrived at from Jung’s Individuation Process are so dear to me I cannot wait to share them. If just one person at the talk can relate, understand, smile, laugh or even hate one of my characters or me I feel I will have done my job. I just want to entice people’s emotional openness.

As I have said before I have never spoken to more than about ten people in a room so this is going to be an amazing experience.  At first I was nervous but now I can’t wait, it won’t be perfect and I’ll stumble but I’m starting to realise that is my strength. I don’t mind people watching me clown around trying to find my feet if it makes them smile, laugh and feel better about themselves.  I reckon even if people are laughing at me it means they are growing and have taken me into their heart. If they are anything like me, their brain will catch up eventually.

Sharks & Lovers can be downloaded here

Exercise Your Demons

Before They Exercise You


Enjoy all of your SELF because only the stifled emotions will push back harder. Wallow in the pain, feel the emotions that you want to hide, let them out. Don’t  throw daggers at yourself throw love in abundance because it will stick eventually.

Embrace all of your characters, love them and let them grow, let them see the light.  Prune them and then let them grow up perhaps up, up and away. Maybe up, up and within making you stronger. Wherever they go acknowledge them because they are or were a big part of you.

There is nothing within your SELF that you cannot understand because you experienced it and chose to keep hold of it. What did it teach you? What invaluable lesson did you learn? Pretty clever aren’t you, teaching yourself these lessons of life?

My novel Sharks and Lovers is available at Amazon Kobo and iBooks

S.E.L.F


Just like most writers I have many projects on the go and sometimes find my head spinning with which one to concentrate on. 

I thought I would take a little time to talk about my S.E.L.F book project as this has been left on the shelf for far too long.

When I started writing my novels I used Jung’s Individuation process to breakdown situations from the perspective of Self, Ego, Shadow, Persona and Animas. Then the characters grew and their opinions became stronger. I didn’t realise at the time of writing that even the sub characters fell into these five categories, (they were probably the parts of my self that I didn’t much like!).

Jung has always been my hero and teacher. His philosophies are always where I turn when I feel I am lost and don’t understand. Knowledge surely has to start with your self.

So my theory is that writing using Jung’s process can help gain many perspectives on situations, people and problems. It breaks things down into manageable bite size pieces and gives insights into many views. It really has been therapy for me and if it can help me I’m pretty sure it can help other people too. That is why I have written my S.E.L.F Writing Solution.

Having spoken to my wonderful therapist friend Renate she has given me lots of suggested reading which I cannot wait to start. She always manages to make you look at things differently which is sometimes a welcome relief. So I will be swotting up on Salvador Minuchin, Virginia Satir, Erik Erikson and Irvin Yalom and many more.

Watch this space for a very different book from Frankie, hmmmm now which one is she!?

Renate Hoffmann can also be found on LinkedIn. Thank you Renate