After watching the tragic end of Anna Karenina. I realised there was something I needed to look at and let go.  In previous posts I have talked about finding my inner child. Feeling so pleased to have her back I was ignoring the fact that she wasn’t very happy.  Trying to give her a voice and indulging her in childish games wasn’t working, she needed to let go of something.

Today I took a walk along the beach, we all have moments in our life we would like to forget but can’t.  I decided to take the emotion out of the memory as I could not take the memory from my head.

I wandered down to the beach a few tears rolling down my cheeks.  It was time to let go of this, I knew exactly what I was going to do. I had a plan.  Whilst thinking of the situation every time I felt a different emotion, I would pick up a pebble.  I would then write the emotion on the pebble, ponder it, feel it and throw it into the sea.  So as I walked along I ended up with six pebbles. Fear, Vulnerable, Anger, Sad, Confusion and the big one that has stopped me in my tracks a few times, Petrified.  I knew petrified as soon as I saw the big grey misshapen pebble.  That one would have to be last.  Although I hated it, I had grown accustomed to its hold over me. I didn’t quite want to let it go.  I sat looking out to sea, the waves gently lapping, the sound soothing me as I thought back to that place.

Ok Fear, you are first, you are not very helpful, goodbye.

It made a nice little plop sound that made me smile.  Vulnerable was next, this pebble felt cold and I shed a tear as I threw it into the sea, it disappeared with a spurt of water.  Anger was heavy and needed a thrust, I let out a little yelp as if throwing a boulder not a small pebble.  To my amazement the sound of it hitting the water was louder than I imagined.  Sad was easy and as it broke the waters surface a huge wave of joy rushed over me.  I looked down just two left.  I took a break and thought back to the place that had burdened me with all of these emotions, already it had lost it’s darkness.  Then I picked up the small red stone.

I don’t know what you are but I have chosen you for a reason, so farewell.

In it went, that was confusion I realised later when I got home.

Petrified sat in my hand and I rubbed at its strange smooth bumps.

It’s time to let go of you, you have probably protected me from risk and maybe even kept me safe.  However I need to spread my wings and you are holding me back. 

I stood up and looked at the small rock in my hand then off it went flying through the air, the water taking it from me. It hardly made a sound as it disappeared.  I stood and watched the water returning its shape thinking how these pebbles are now making their home on the sea bed and no longer in my head. I stretched my hands up in the air and smiled.  I laugh to myself and walk up the steps back to the car, so much lighter and happier.  I climb to the top of the the sandy makeshift stairs in the side of the cliff. Looking back at the water that has taken this burden from me I smile in gratitude. I own my life and love and no one will ever hurt me like that again.

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