The evolving writer

Escape

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Being divorced and a single Mum is extremely liberating but like anything that is rewarding it’s also hard work and a huge amount of responsibility. There are many “women’s divorce counsellors” pointing the finger at men who don’t communicate, are controlling and narcissistic. Personally, I’ve met far more women who show their narcissistic traits as a badge of honour!

I can’t help but feel admiration for any man or woman who is a provider because it’s bloody hard work and perhaps we are all just finding ways to escape the drudge of it all?

I often return to childhood to escape the mundane tasks of adulthood. Put the music on loud to do the cleaning, treat myself to a cake when I’m feeling down, sing loudly in the car to release frustration and of course my all time favourite return to childhood, write it out of my head and onto the page. All of these mechanisms to escape reality or to cope are generally healthy but what about the ones that aren’t? I had a realisation this week about clinging onto our childhood and what a negative role this can have rather than positive.

We think of the child in us as the free spirit, the creative but they can also be the confused or fearful part of ourselves as we replay past childhood behaviours, playground behaviour. The what if instead of the secure knowing.

Where else is there to escape to, is ego an option? Could you list all the great and wonderful achievements you have created or simply talk about them to others. Some create great business models out of this so yes this could be an option! Perhaps social media is the ego coping mechanism; pics of the one time in the month you look and feel ok.

Shadow is a great place to lurk, watching scary movies, or getting dressed up and pretending to be someone else for the night. I watched an actor talk about how he had played a serial killer on stage for two months and he felt walking home from the theater that he was still in character! Hesitantly he explained to the interviewer as his face perceptibly changed from light and happy to dark and sullen, I found myself envious of being able to go that deep into the darkness, what a gift!

I feel a new kind of writing erupting from these thoughts perhaps it’s a murder mystery!

Where do you escape to?

Independence

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Independence Is the key to Success.

Dependant, Independence, Co-dependant, Dependant. Is that the life cycle we are to live?

Whether you are in a relationship or single I truly believe that independence is the key to your success. As soon as co-dependency turns up in your life it initiates a control situation which is where unhealthy relationships evolve. Obviously we all start out in co- dependant/dependant relationships with our parents/carers and maybe that is why some of us are always happier in these relationships and seek sanctuary in them. However I truly believe being at one with yourself can only come through being independent, independently in love with yourself and caring for yourself first above all others.

I’ve spoken in many posts about the ‘Who’s looking after you?’ question. The answer to that has to always be Me.

Victim-Rescuer

There is no need for controlling relationships however at some point in our lives we all want someone to look after us and this is when we release our power to another or even entice someone to take up control of our lives for us, we have given up. We’ve all been there; too tired mentally or physically to carry on with the good fight why not step aside and surrender to the social norm of victim/rescuer, (that Disney has promoted to us on numerous occasions).

I believe that abusive relationships suffered in the past were encouraged by the thinking that one human must be dominated by another. It is frowned upon now but I remember clearly as a child conversations and games that would be labelled wrong now but ‘a bit of fun’ twenty years ago. Evolution is a wonderful thing but only if we learn and act, not just take growth for granted.

So as I teach my children independence it isn’t only about teaching them how to cook, look after themselves and respect themselves although of course all of those things help!It is about owning the power to be independent of others thinking and trusting yourself. It’s about backing your own beliefs and knowing you can lay down and take a break occasionally but that doesn’t mean handing over control to someone else or initiating victim/rescuer behaviour. When that victim behaviour turns up at best you will find a rescuer to control you but when that turns to abuse, will you recognise it? Hopefully with eyes wide open that can interpret what abuse is however whilst in the moment it can be very hard to see!

So how do you stop victim/rescuer relationships when we all like to be the child sometimes. I guess it is just being aware of when you are in that frame of mind and if you have initiated it or if some else’s actions have triggered your victim behaviour.

Healthy & Happy

Independence doesn’t mean no relationships, it means me first. Which as a caring, loving woman isn’t always easy to do but just remembering every day to put me first means I’m healthy for me, I’m working for me, I’m in control of me and nobody else is.

So to all those independent women out there I say ‘Cheers!’

Will I still have a roof over my head if I get divorced?

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“On census night in 2016, there were an estimated 6,866 women over 50 who were homeless — the figure representing a 31 per cent increase since 2011. Most had been married with children and ended up single because of a marriage breakdown, in which they tended to lose the family home.”

This figure does not include I am presuming those living in sheds, beach huts and maybe those living in cars?

Keeping a home is a real worry for any woman divorcing which hopefully seems ridiculous to most, personally it feels disgusting. However if a man has gone out to work whilst you have brought the children up and you don’t get the right advice you could very well assume you have no right to the marital home or that you have no way of securing it. However there are many ways in which a woman can secure their family home, I believe. You might have to disregard opinions from those around you, loved ones and those in higher places of power and probably your bank but with hard work and determination if I can do it anyone can!

It’s 5.18am January 2019 and I have been sitting in this 24 hour Macdonalds now for an hour and a half, I could be mistaken for someone with nowhere to go, nowhere to live, another homeless woman. I started off the night at a friends house but was too uncomfortable, then I did try to sleep in the car at 2.00am, it was too hot. It got up to 40 degrees today and the overnight low was around 29, so sleep for most of Melbourne tonight will be restless.

For me this night is a new experience, a one off; I’m Airbnbing my house to scrape together enough cash to refinance the property and so I actually have no bed tonight. Luckily the kids are at their Dads and we spent the last week of the holidays at a great cheap hotel I found in our first year in Aus, it was a sanctuary then and a sanctuary now. I smiled uncomfortably at the owner as she looked hard at my children,

“Do you know how clever and brave your Mum is?’

As I explained I had found this new income which was helping me secure the mortgage after my divorce. I tried to soak up this unexpected encouragement from a stranger, from one woman to another. I hadn’t found much unbiased encouragement, support or advice since the breakdown of my marriage and so this was new. Could she really see from just a few words that all I wanted is for my kids to be happy, could she really see what I had tried to explain to so many over the last year of emotional turmoil trying to cling to the clear logic that I had done my figures and I was ‘close’, close to being able to secure my home. I didn’t need to blame or feel anger it was simple all I wanted was for myself and my kids to be happy and of course for their Dad to be too.

The first financial advisor I sought help from sat in my kitchen laughing,
‘My wife will never get the house, all she has done is look after the kids!’
My eyes wide at his exclamation, I switched off and stared out of the window at the amazing view to the other side of the peninsula. One of the huge white cockatoos landed outside with a thud, (my messengers of light I like to think of them). I stood up.

‘I have some work to do’ I said

‘Keep in touch and let me know if you need some advice’ he replied

Advice about what, misogyny? I wondered.

As I tried to get comfy in the car lowering the seat back words flashed through my mind, ‘a woman asleep in her car’ it’s something I have seen many times, homelessness. What a shame, for society that this could happen and that many women find themselves in this position after a marriage has ended. I lock the doors in case I do fall asleep and for a few minutes Cinderella flashes into my head (the child in me returning because let’s face it being an adult really is shit sometimes!), watching it on the sofa my boy under one arm, my girl under the other. “Have courage, be kind.” Two traits that come so easily to children and yet us adults sometimes seem to forget when caught in the turmoil that life can bring.

As I sit in the banks small office I try not to fidget or bite my fingernails.

‘You’re close!’ She says ‘Very close with your figures. Unfortunately we don’t do low-doc loans, give me a call if you start to earn enough to register for tax though’

A car door slams loudly and my eyes open to a dusty pink sky. I wonder where my babies are, what they had for tea, if they had a bedtime story or a stay up.

Another financial advisor…

‘Sorry your net income is just too low. Every lender will look at $15k to live on minimum, you have two dependents that are with you over 70% of the time. Sorry can you see what I’m saying?’

Strangely this advice was the guiding light for me even though she was telling me she couldn’t help. I put the phone down onto the kitchen bench, staring again out of the window at the view and knew her words didn’t quite make sense, she had only asked about my net income, not my gross income. I was happy and calm. All I had to do was squeeze a few more thousand out of the world in the next six months. My first job in London at Standard Chartered Bank (20 years ago) mixing with Oxbridge grads did wonders for my money confidence back in the nineties. I learnt alot about perception and money it’s like most things in life if you focus and believe then it comes. It’s that trick called faith! Some financiers seem to perform miracles like magicians but for them it’s just ticking boxes, making the patterns symmetrical to the eye.

“The answer is always there, you just have to ask the right question”

I remember a friend in high places once told me this back when life to me was rather rose tinted. But there’s no reason it’s not true now even when the world seems sharper and more uncomfortable at times.

“You have got the mortgage, congratulations on securing your home” Obviously this came as a text and an email, no one picks up the phone these days do they?

It is very possible if you are getting divorced to secure your home, remember it is 2019 Not 1920. Even though some people’s perception of the world hasn’t changed since then it is up to us which dimension we chose to live in.

If you know anyone going through a divorce or seperation please share this with them, it might bring hope, courage or just some simple kindness.

*First excerpt taken from the below link

https://mobile.abc.net.au/news/2019-04-29/are-tiny-homes-the-answer-for-older-women-facing-homelessness/11049272?pfmredir=sm&sf211762866=1&smid=Page:%20ABC%20Australia-Facebook_Organic&WT.tsrc=Facebook_Organic

Self Belief

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Self Belief

Are you a Man or An Ape

A true princess or a fake

Do you evolve past others whispers

Or cling to their conditions

Look on in competition

Or help those to reposition

Do you reach out to attain

Or slump and remain

Evolution is not just a wonder

Don’t stop too long to ponder

Be open and see in plain sight

Gold buried within a heart

Once stuck, with no flight.

Hold others, with your strength up high

You, yourself then will fly

So get on, get up and fight

Forget that worthless, draining plight

Now is the time to shine your light

That has always been so bright!

Love to you all! Frankie xxx

The Wife

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I realised whilst trying to stuff three passports into my now tiny purse that traveling with children required a little more organisation and concentration than by myself. I had been flying all over for work solo, trying to keep the dollars rolling in but the last time I flew with my children was as a family. As a wife.

The last significant trip, my first as a single Mum was our road trip heading to Alice Springs. We hadn’t reached Alice as on route I had broken down, myself that is not the car! Realising I was not traveling to any destination with these two beautiful children but simply running away from a life I could no longer endure.

What a difference a year makes! On this current trip I have just filed for divorce, the nitty, gritty and yes shitty negotiations are finally over. It seemed with an open heart and mind that we both stood in the kitchen and confided our now much more complicated love lives!

Saying goodbye to Melbourne 2018, definitely the hardest year of my life, where my heart, head and body have endured fight after fight I enjoyed the flight to Thailand immensely, escape! I drank red wine and ate cheese and biscuits whilst watching The Wife with Glen Close. The Wife, something that in one months time I will no longer be. The feeling of loss and failure has now, thank goodness deserted me and I am dreaming of new, exciting possibilities, new passionate writing projects, exploring new places and spending lots of nights snuggled on the sofa with my wonderful kids. As a single woman, an independent woman, controlled only by my thoughts and my actions.

The Wife was a perfect examination of control, power, enabling and selfish behaviors. Neither person could just let each other be, continuous games; exhausting the other with a very confused (grown up) child caught in the middle. It didn’t remind me of my own marriage (hopefully we got out before that set in!) but of February when I lost my own self control and passion for life. My breast became very uncomfortable and after many scans resulting in a comedy horror core biopsy the pain did not disperse. I was supposed to be happy that cancer had not been found but I was still in so much pain I could not find any consolation in the results. The continuous fight with the pain, the doctors and being controlled by this ‘core biopsy’ was humiliating and exhausting. I found myself asking if the psychology of wrestling with my core beliefs through divorce was actually presenting itself physically. The answer was inexplicably yes to me! Surely this was the punishment I had to endure. Like all things it came to an end eventually I’m glad it’s over.

Sitting in the middle of my two wonderful children on the plane I felt everything was right; my boy scoffing everything from the menu, watching every teen flick and my girl snuggled tightly into me there was everything to be grateful for. There is nothing more a mother could want than two happy, healthy children and the assault course of the year drifted away.

Could this really be a light, perhaps even a rainbow emerging from the dark tunnel of 2018?

There is a new saying I see everywhere at the moment ‘I can only control My thoughts and My behaviours.’ I love it, I don’t need to be in control of anything else. I wonder if this saying will inspire a new wave of relationships, a new wave of taking control of yourself first before worrying about what others are doing.

Freedom! A scary word for some but personally I can’t wait! Bring on 2019.

Darwin Flight

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I’m not sure what happens at 30,000ft perhaps the air is clearer, the gravitational pull of earth just that little lighter or maybe it’s because I’m completely petrified that clarity seems to occasionally occur.

As the ground disappears beneath a blanket of cloud, weightlessness prevails, mentally as well as physically . I cannot do anything now that will affect the future or the past, I have to be at one with myself.

“Love Yourself” was this flights message.

We can spend hours working on business and financial planning, pouring love into our children and partners, devouring our past to get the most out of our future but if we don’t look after us, me, I, Self, what use are we to others?

Arriving in Darwin after circling for 45 minutes to avoid the storm it was hot, wet and windy, exactly how I remember it! I was happy to see Shenanigans still there, the word, the pub is exactly what Darwin was for me 15 years ago and again now.

My back packing days here in Darwin were pre and post my time working in Kakadu. Before Kakadu I was a little lost, on my own after traveling up the Wild West Coast camping on beaches, working at Cable Beach in Broome and melon picking in Kununurra. Post Kakadu was when I really started to know and rely on myself, the independent traveller that had immersed herself in the red dust.

There was an endless amount of love and shenanigans in Jabiru, Kakadu that inspired my second book, wide eyed travelers learning their truth and seeking solace in the arms of others.

It was such a pleasure to become a part of the diverse community in Jabiru that I couldn’t quite bring myself to go back this time, I knew those faces had gone and that the warmth of their energy would have disappeared also.  So, I stuck to the city with its slow pace, walking through the soup like weather, the loud shouts here and there and the many pubs that quench a never ending thirst.

I think Darwin inspires independent thinking and this girl is claiming just a little of that back every day.

Let them Fall and Fail

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I don’t often comment on parenting because we all know how bloody difficult it is to get it right. However a lesson shared might just be a lesson learnt!

Thanks to my big brother (who after talking about it for five years finally came to visit me in Aus) my children have taken up roller skating and I have returned, (after almost 25 years!).

I don’t mind admitting it was pretty scary putting those skates back on and realising you are not quite as agile as you were at 15! Skating was one of the easiest things I can remember doing as a kid so why was it so difficult now? Ha ha fear! Fear of of falling over, fear of failure.

My teenage boy got the hang of it almost immediately and my youngest clung eagerly to the side occasionally getting her confidence and then legs going in opposite directions like Bambi she would pull herself up and start all over again, with determination.

‘C’mon Mum speed up’ called my eldest

‘It’s ok for you you’re like a spitfire, I’m an old jumbo jet!’ I muttered feeling every muscle tighten and every wobble, wobble. On his second time lapping me he returned;

‘Mum a spitfire just has a prop, jumbo jets have twin turbo engines, you have more power than me!’

I laughed. They are always so much wiser, I never stop learning from my beautiful babies.

As adults we have been conditioned that ‘falling over’ is embarrassing and scary. The fear of falling or failing is what prevents us but the act of falling or failing is actually what propels us to succeed.

A strange site to see were the parents walking onto the rink with their kids holding both of their hands and not letting them go, a whole hour of walking around in circles. Oh how I wish I could hold their hands forever and never let them into a world I’m still trying to understand, a world that still hurts and confuses me but equally brings such pleasure when you least expect it. I wish I could take their knocks for them but then what would they learn? We have to let our children fall over and fail and get back up because that’s life!

After four or five visits to the rink my youngest is skating around perfectly well, away from the safety of the side enjoying every minute with a huge smile. My spitfire may only have a prop but effortlessly speeds around ducking and diving without hitting the ground. For me the 30 seconds achieved of perfect gliding, feeling fifteen again and the smiles on my children’s faces make the occasional bruise worth it. Like many parents it is me that needs to learn to let go!

Peninsula Writing Retreat

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Writers Retreat

Get away from the hustle and bustle of the city and immerse yourself into this secluded weekend retreat. If you would like to find your voice, write your book or create some content, then this is the perfect space to let your creative thoughts run wild and have the experience of a talented teacher guide you through the process.

This 2 night 3 day retreat has limited availability, so don’t miss out!

21st to 23rd September 2018

ONLY $799

Includes:

FRIDAY

What’s Your Story?

Dinner

SATURDAY

Breakfast

Planning & Purpose

Morning Tea

Secrets of the Writing World

Lunch

Threads & Theme’s

Afternoon Tea

Free-time

Dinner

SUNDAY

breakfast

Publishing & Distribution

Morning Tea

Your Story Presentation

Lunch

Farewell until we meet Again!

Package is based on two people sharing a twin room in a four bed apartment and includes pre and post retreat writing consultation.

Contact Lisa Taylor for more details

E: frankiebanks27@gmail.com

W: frankiebanks.com

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BEAUTIFUL TRAUMA -Waiting for the Curtain to Fall

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What a bloody awesome title for a tour! Is trauma what inspires all creatives?

When my little girl chose PINK last term as her hero to write a school project about I was blown away with pride that she had chosen someone who follows her own rules, not societies and is such a strong, powerful woman. So even though pennies were tight as single mum, status was in full swing I swallowed the overdraft and bought tickets for her birthday.

We started to research PINK together, I had grown up with her songs and watched her be the antipiode of Britney Spears and Christine Aguellera.  This girl wasn’t prouncing around in school uniforms, it was clear her music was more important than her media. Also what became quite apparent was that it was the break up of her parents that inspired her to start writing, quite apt! Her words were what inspired me to stop and listen and (even though apparently I get most of them wrong, according to my beautiful little girl) it would seem that is what inspires her too.

We took the train into town and walked to Rod Laver Arena from Richmond, a nice stroll as dusk set in and we waited for the doors to open …. and then another hour for the inside doors to open, anticipation building!

I have always wanted seats near the stage at a concert and so when I saw they were available online I couldn’t believe it! I wanted so much for this to be the best experience for my daughter.  However, when we sat down the stage was completely obscured by a hanging curtain.  Immediately dread took over both of us, we wouldn’t be able to see anything. I tried to placate the situation by explaining PINK does alot of acrobatics and wouldn’t just be standing on the stage singing. However everyone in our seating section was having similar gloomy conversations. Then the supporting artist came on and our suspicions were confirmed we couldn’t see a thing! Even the tv screen was positioned directly above our heads and so didn’t help.

My heart sank as her smile turned to a frown after all the ups and downs of the last eighteen months I just wanted one perfect night with my little girl and I couldn’t even get that right!

Frustration turned to determination and I realised that we could see behind the curtain back stage and I told my baby I thought I could see Pink. Then we saw her with her little girl, huge ear defenders on, this lifted our spirits. We could see all the dancers stretching in their lycra and Pink giving her daughter the biggest hug.

Then the huge curtain dropped and we were ten feet away from this awesome woman belting her songs out, her heart out! My little girl beamed with joy and I simply wiped the tears away.

By Women For Women

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Inspired by the camaraderie that the #metoo movement encouraged among women I decided to ask my clients, colleagues and courageous friends to collaborate with me on a book sharing their experiences of life.

I have been overwhelmed by the support in this new project so thank you to everyone who has submitted a piece already.

If you would like to be considered for the book I require a 200/300 word bio with photo and 500-3500 words on one or any combination of the following subjects.

Love

Loss

Relationships

Pregnancy

Sex

Sexual Objectification

Abuse

Advice

Our target audience is other women of similar ages to ourselves (30 years plus). However if just a handful of men read it and change an opinion or learn something new about women I believe we have done our job!

If you require more information please send me an email frankiebanks27@gmail.com