Sometimes when I write I don’t realise the implications of the words until I sit down a few days later and re-read them.  Sometimes I don’t understand them until I have read them aloud, in front of other people. Books and words have different meanings when revisited.

When I last wrote about being disrobed and also about power I didn’t realise what I was writing and how the two have played such a major role in my life and probably many other people’s too.  We have all been disrobed by someone else, mentally, physically or emotionally.

My first job from college was a sales job. I am not cut out for sales in any way but I tried my hardest and I always smiled.  My boss would undermine me and often make me the butt of jokes.  She spoke to me as if I was and always would be the most useless employee ever to walk the earth.  I hated that women with every ounce of my being.  In fact if I saw her today I would give her a piece of my mind, I still carry that anger with me.  Once when in an appraisal she had been berating me for 10 minutes and at the end said,

‘Hit me, I know you want to, hit me and then I can sack you’

She laughed and laughed at her own remark. I can remember thinking wow this woman is sick. Was she really just trying to give me the power she knew I had.

I looked at her incredulous at this request then I just got up and walked out, the next day I resigned.  Did I take back the power by resigning? It didn’t feel like it but I was glad to be leaving.  I went into the city and found a job I loved.  However my boss there wielded the same power, although I wasn’t the victim as I managed to dodge her bullets. I watched the wounded walking around the office feeling relief that today it wasn’t me but knowing one day it could be again.

I have forgiven myself for a lot of things over the years but for some reason that first sales job sticks in my throat. I guess I didn’t really know what I was supposed to be doing in this job.  I could feel her frustration, it really just echoed mine.  I had no idea how you were supposed to put these magic sales sentences together without sounding like a complete idiot.  Maybe her frustration with me was that I had no confidence?  Perhaps she was simply steering me away from a place I didn’t need to be.  I have never tried to be in sales again and wouldn’t, know your weaknesses!

A job as a waitress was another failing.  However in that job whilst travelling I would openly admit how bad I was and laugh with the customers. I would spill champagne, juggle plates and would wrestle with wine bottles at the table trying to get the bloody cork out. I was Basil Faulty. After leaving one couple waiting for half an hour to even take their order (I had come close a couple of times but something had pulled me away) I came over and apologised only for them to laugh and reply

‘You have kept us amused for the last half an hour, don’t worry’

‘Sorry I really haven’t got a clue how this works!’ I admitted and they laughed with me while my eyes scanned the restaurant noticing table three had the wrong order, again.

Admitting when you are wrong and in over your head can be empowering. Knowing your weaknesses and embracing them can make you just as strong as knowing where you are going right. Nobody is perfect and it’s those funny idiosyncrasies that make us human, can make us laugh and endear us to each other. We can try to improve ourselves everyday of course. Striving to better our health, our wealth and education will always help us achieve more. However sitting down and having a good laugh at our struggles and strife is surely is the best recipe for growth.

My book Sharks & Lovers is available to download here:

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Submission, I’ve been kind of preoccupied with this word lately.  When I would submit, what I would submit and to whom.  It’s done now, well that is I have submitted my manuscript to four publishers.  I did my homework and chose the four that I thought had published similar work to my novel.  So now the waiting game ensues.

It is strange to know that somewhere in an office in Melbourne someone could be reading my novel. Is that how it works they just sit and read? What a wonderful job.

I said to a random stranger on the beach yesterday

‘I’m not very patient!’
‘No one is patient when they really want something’ he replied

So I check my emails every morning, lunchtime and evening. I make sure that there is nothing in the spam box. It’s only been five days and can supposedly take months to get a response. No wonder it is called submission, my hands are tied.  Similar to my character Sharon who spends most of her time in the basement submitting or making others submit.

I have only just started learning about Sharon as she is a ‘sub’ (there I go again!) character in the first book.  However in book two, which I am now writing she has a voice and wow is it powerful. I guess just because you have submitted, you can keep your power.  I certainly need it to write book two.

What I really need is the strength of Harry, another character. Harry is strong physically and mentally. He wouldn’t be worrying about getting a response. He would be down the pub bragging about his book, how it will make him a millionaire! He would be in the basement with Sharon in pre-celebration of publication. God he’s cocky!

So somewhere in the CBD of Melbourne on Collins or Elizabeth Street I am laid bare for all to see and judge. Whilst here at my desk I try to let book two flow, let the characters merge. They help keep me occupied and stop me checking my inbox every five minutes.

My book Sharks & Lovers is available to download here:

Amazon       Kobo       iTunes

One night I got up in the middle of the night and wrote this;

‘If everyone could erase just one memory from their mind, would we be the same people? Would we feel the same emotions? Would we make the same judgements?’

I am sure we can all think of something we would like to get rid of.  Mine is vivid and comes to me when I least expect it, like a tap on the shoulder.  Sometimes it’s more like a punch in the stomach.  I didn’t realise how long I had carried so much emotion locked up in this one memory.  This tiny part of my history, just a few hours really and yet the emotion of it had sat at the bottom of my chest where my ribs meet, for years.  Sometimes it would swell and reach up into my throat preventing me from talking.  Sometimes it would bloat and my sides would ache trying to keep it in.  Mainly I thought of it as a cactus sitting between my ribs.  I’m glad to say it’s gone now.  I feel a lot lighter without it and a lot happier.

I was abroad when I realised it had gone, after months of reconciling my emotions to past events.  Finally I was finding peace not fault in myself.  I looked in the mirror, and glanced down at my chest, obviously this pain, this cactus had never been visible to the naked eye.  The pressure had gone, my hand searched between my ribs just to make sure, it was definitely gone.  I was elated, I nearly gave myself a high five in the mirror, I was that happy!

On the plane on the way home I had a surreal moment when I realised I had let go, buried or even killed the child inside me.  It had been a long time since I saw the world through their eyes.  I knew that I now needed to be patient.  As I had learnt over the last few months awareness is just the first step.  I hoped they would come back and play in my imagination, we could have such fun!  However I didn’t realise the secret that that child held, no wonder they had disappeared.  That dark cellar had only just begun to reveal what lurked behind the shadows.

My book Sharks & Lovers is available to download here:

Amazon       Kobo       iTunes