Phuket & Intuition

I first traveled to Phuket, Thailand in 2003 and so I was intrigued to discover what had changed since then. As it turned out it wasn’t the rough terrain or the busy roads, it was my infrastructure that had evolved most over this 15 years not Thailands after all why change a system that works!

That surge of heat as you leave the plane and walk out into the charming chaos of unfamiliar smells, sights and sounds was still as intriguing. As the mini bus found its space amid the jostling traffic our smiley driver took our luggage and we watched from the window at the street markets and cafe’s closing up for the evening, scooters and bicycles with two or more passengers weaving past in dare devil manoeuvres.

I had stayed in Rawai the first time around with my Mum and it was the most relaxing holiday that I will never forget! Poor Mum wasn’t very well whilst we were there but it didn’t stop us zooming about in a Tuk Tuk or riding elephants! We also had a few days in Bangkok where I had bought a copy of The Alchemist on the Khao San Road. This was a life changing read at the end of a year traveling, the perfect full stop to one chapter of my life and a new ethos of calm karma to carry on my journey.

This time my trip to Thailand combined business with pleasure which was equally if not more exciting. I am no longer seeking my passion or purpose but pursuing it and so it was no surprise that I spent most of the eight hour flight with my laptop open typing away.  A project that I have developed over the last three years I felt was perfect for Thailand and my intuition was right!  Travel always seems to encourage a pivot or acceleration in confidence, focus and determination, which is why I adore it so much. Growth is a craving that I have never relinquished, sometimes to my detriment, my head and heart speed ahead whilst in reality my feet are stock still in the present and as I look back through the time warp willing myself to catch up I wake up to the harsh reality that to move forwards you first have to let go.

Thinking back to my first visit I remember taking the trip with Mum to Kanchanbury Province, The Bridge over the River Kwai, it was a sobering walk through the fields of lost life and the train journey over the rickety bridge seemed almost in vain but a place I will never forget.  The toilet was another interesting memory which made the Aussie long drop seem revolutionary by design!

What we found in Phuket this time was a community of change, a multitude of gyms and boxing arena’s where people had come to better themselves. It was interesting to witness so many who had come to reclaim themselves from the stresses and strains of modern life. They were busy working on number one.

The writing project that I immersed myself in on the plane was so appropriate to the surroundings that when I arrived in Phuket I was almost shocked. Working on yourself is something we can forget to do in the whirlwind of life but how else can we grow? When I came home a friend just happened to forward me a link to recent research that actually backed my writing, my findings, my new book! I couldn’t believe it everything was falling into place, in the present this time!

Black Ink


Notes on a poem

Pain is the spilt pot of black ink that covers everything and yet is not always apparent to the naked eye.  The bearer of pain is the only person who knows its origin and holds the key to unlock the door to happiness.  However pain is a fuel, a wonderful weapon of manipulation.  Always holding it’s power over others. Poor me, poor you, poor us.

Pain unlocks your pain but then where does it go? Are you beholden to him?  Does it occasionally surface as a reminder of how not to live?  A dear friend now poisoned.

Do you cling to the knowledge of a dark familiar place or follow a light that is wavering and uncertain?

After all knowledge is power and so now your power has gone.

Happiness is just those few notes you got right, never once did it make a song.

Pain is the uncertainty of happiness, just out of reach.  A warm and loving gift.  Touched words to soothe the dark in so many women’s lives.  Another powerful kind of control.

How can we know if it is true or if a yoyo of black and white will always occur?

Blind faith is all we have and a little courage that falling from a place so close to the sun would surely be a flight worth risking.

Lyrics of Faith this is the poem or lyrics!

Enjoy x

 

 

Crazy Bitch


Sorry if I offend you but I have a little story to tell about this CB.

‘You have never met a Crazy Bitch like this before have you?’

This was the beginning of the new me, I had tried to be the dutiful wife and the Mary Poppins mother. All us mums had husbands that were disconnected and working away. Everyone else however seemed to hold it together so well and those that didn’t were talked about; 

‘I don’t know how she copes!’ Simply implying she isn’t. 

‘Oh it’s a hard time for them at the moment’ whilst plastered grins on the speakers faces hide a multitude of depression, infidelity and unhappiness.

My Mary Poppins costume just didn’t fit, I was popping out all over the place! I spent years trying to tuck myself back in until I realised my mortality, what a smack in the face that was! 

All of a sudden the flabby bits didn’t matter, it was my hard heart I needed to listen to. I had to stop pleasing, I had to stop pretending and most importantly I needed to look myself in the eye.

That’s when the truth turned up and the Crazy Bitch returned in full flow. I had to be me and accept that not everyone would like it, some people would find it scary…I still don’t know what to do with them! But most people are accepting of my new happiness.

The biggest compliment was from my big bro this week, he checks in with me and sometimes gives me a verbal slap. We take it in turns to be the adult. ‘I’ve seen other people grow into the person they should be’ he said. Wow that was nice. He also implied it’s hard for the people around them, I accept that.

When I spoke to one of my friends recently about the fragility of my marriage her response was ‘You’re very brave only one out of ten marriages I know are happy and they accept it, they don’t question it’. I don’t know who is right but I want to be happy, not right or wrong!

I have to be me, are you being you?

Honestly?