I realised whilst trying to stuff three passports into my now tiny purse that traveling with children required a little more organisation and concentration than by myself. I had been flying all over for work solo, trying to keep the dollars rolling in but the last time I flew with my children was as a family. As a wife.

The last significant trip, my first as a single Mum was our road trip heading to Alice Springs. We hadn’t reached Alice as on route I had broken down, myself that is not the car! Realising I was not traveling to any destination with these two beautiful children but simply running away from a life I could no longer endure.

What a difference a year makes! On this current trip I have just filed for divorce, the nitty, gritty and yes shitty negotiations are finally over. It seemed with an open heart and mind that we both stood in the kitchen and confided our now much more complicated love lives!

Saying goodbye to Melbourne 2018, definitely the hardest year of my life, where my heart, head and body have endured fight after fight I enjoyed the flight to Thailand immensely, escape! I drank red wine and ate cheese and biscuits whilst watching The Wife with Glen Close. The Wife, something that in one months time I will no longer be. The feeling of loss and failure has now, thank goodness deserted me and I am dreaming of new, exciting possibilities, new passionate writing projects, exploring new places and spending lots of nights snuggled on the sofa with my wonderful kids. As a single woman, an independent woman, controlled only by my thoughts and my actions.

The Wife was a perfect examination of control, power, enabling and selfish behaviors. Neither person could just let each other be, continuous games; exhausting the other with a very confused (grown up) child caught in the middle. It didn’t remind me of my own marriage (hopefully we got out before that set in!) but of February when I lost my own self control and passion for life. My breast became very uncomfortable and after many scans resulting in a comedy horror core biopsy the pain did not disperse. I was supposed to be happy that cancer had not been found but I was still in so much pain I could not find any consolation in the results. The continuous fight with the pain, the doctors and being controlled by this ‘core biopsy’ was humiliating and exhausting. I found myself asking if the psychology of wrestling with my core beliefs through divorce was actually presenting itself physically. The answer was inexplicably yes to me! Surely this was the punishment I had to endure. Like all things it came to an end eventually I’m glad it’s over.

Sitting in the middle of my two wonderful children on the plane I felt everything was right; my boy scoffing everything from the menu, watching every teen flick and my girl snuggled tightly into me there was everything to be grateful for. There is nothing more a mother could want than two happy, healthy children and the assault course of the year drifted away.

Could this really be a light, perhaps even a rainbow emerging from the dark tunnel of 2018?

There is a new saying I see everywhere at the moment ‘I can only control My thoughts and My behaviours.’ I love it, I don’t need to be in control of anything else. I wonder if this saying will inspire a new wave of relationships, a new wave of taking control of yourself first before worrying about what others are doing.

Freedom! A scary word for some but personally I can’t wait! Bring on 2019.