Black Ink


Notes on a poem

Pain is the spilt pot of black ink that covers everything and yet is not always apparent to the naked eye.  The bearer of pain is the only person who knows its origin and holds the key to unlock the door to happiness.  However pain is a fuel, a wonderful weapon of manipulation.  Always holding it’s power over others. Poor me, poor you, poor us.

Pain unlocks your pain but then where does it go? Are you beholden to him?  Does it occasionally surface as a reminder of how not to live?  A dear friend now poisoned.

Do you cling to the knowledge of a dark familiar place or follow a light that is wavering and uncertain?

After all knowledge is power and so now your power has gone.

Happiness is just those few notes you got right, never once did it make a song.

Pain is the uncertainty of happiness, just out of reach.  A warm and loving gift.  Touched words to soothe the dark in so many women’s lives.  Another powerful kind of control.

How can we know if it is true or if a yoyo of black and white will always occur?

Blind faith is all we have and a little courage that falling from a place so close to the sun would surely be a flight worth risking.

Lyrics of Faith this is the poem or lyrics!

Enjoy x

 

 

The Un Couple

My hubby and I have been through the mill these last few years, emigration, five house moves, working away, illness and redundancy. Basically we’ve experienced life and sometimes it pulls you together and sometimes it pushes you apart. We love each other sure but in love, no. Friends absolutely, lovers no.

It’s a harsh reality that we had to discuss. We are not connected and the more I write and get back to myself the further away we seem to drift.  I found happiness in my writing and discovering myself. 

‘You have changed so much’ he said. I have he is right and I love this new me but it’s not compatible to him any more, we both seem to accept that.

Not wanting to unsettle our two beautiful children nothing has drastically changed in our set up other than awareness and willingness to talk.

‘It seems everyone has been through this, is going through this or is divorced’ he said after talking to a few of his friends.  He seemed surprised to find that there are not many happy marriages around. Everyone is struggling in one way or another, even if it is unsaid.

‘Men just don’t talk about their marriages’ he said. 

Where we are right now reminds me so much of my first miscarriage. A sadness that we shared together.  My body and mind seemed so disconnected from the world. It was out of my control and yet I was losing a part of me. All of a sudden the women around me shared their truth and experiences of miscarriage and I realised I wasn’t alone. It didn’t change the awful guilt or indescribable confusion about why this would happen but it helped with the isolation I had felt. I know my husbands friends were also willing to share their experiences too and it helped.

As we travel down this new road of ‘uncoupling’ I hope isolation isn’t a destination or even a pit stop. I hope we are not ‘damned’ for our new way of life.

I want to be happy and for those around me to be happy too, it’s that simple. Even when simple seems like a distant dream.

A Wonderful Life

Another amazing week took place and I realised that this isn’t just another amazing week. This is the start of my career as a writer, this is the start of my wonderful life.

Having my book in print is so empowering, being an author is now tangible and not just a product of cyberspace, it is in my hand. The essence of my story is what counts just like all stories. It is the heart that tells the story, not the brain.  The fingers can fumble around messing up the letters and punctuation but the heart is what you hear. That’s if you are really listening of course.

I joined a new writers group last week and again I found myself surrounded by Amazing people. Most writers, (personally I believe the ones that are any good) wear their heart on their sleeve. Even when the beat slows, stumbles, races or misses it can still be heard.

Sharing is a writers arrow so I do think it is rather appropriate that my first gig is at the S.H.A.R.E seminar room at Sexpo, I can’t wait.  The world is open, my book is open and so is my heart.

Let’s share.

Games of Love

Games People Play is a book I enjoyed reading whilst I was studying.  Berne explores transactional analysis by way of the parent, adult and child.  I on the other hand decided to take a slightly broader look at who my characters chose as partners, their parent, child or equal.

Lets start with Milla, she thinks she wants a parent to look after her and so looks for men with power unfortunately it soon becomes clear that she will always be the victim in this situation.  Then along comes Tabatha, she doesn’t control Milla, she lays back and enjoys Milla’s courage. Tabatha is strong enough to be her equal and so neither has to fall into the victim persona.

Stacey is the mum in all aspects of her life and craves to be the child, the one who is looked after.  She doesn’t want to give her power up completely and so this relationship can only ever be casual, this way she is still in control of her life and others.

Sharon has succumb to her child fantasies with Lenny, as he worships her and keeps her captive.  Her fun in the cellar has fueled her power and now she wants to explore the world and needs a more experienced ‘Daddy’ to lead her, Harry gladly accepts her hand.

Tabatha wants to play the adult so badly she is striving for this, to be the best she can be and takes every opportunity.   When she realises that Rick wants a parent she looks elsewhere, she doesn’t want that responsibility because she knows it will weigh her down.

So what role is Harry playing?  The parent to them all, he loves the power and for a while he relies on his equal at home, his wife Lin but what happens when he has no equal?  When Lin decides it is her time to grow and not be held back by her ‘child’ Harry’s world starts to fall apart, no one has his back any more and he starts to slowly unravel.  Will Sharon be able to take on the role, is she strong enough? Or will Harry finally take control of his life, his emotions and himself.

What game are you playing? Is it your best?

My novel Sharks & Lovers is available here; AmazoniBooksKobo

A Little Chaos


A light honest scent, natural and unforced, some of the roses here seem faded and overgrown.

That fate awaits all roses Sire.  All roses are open to the elements your majesty they bud, bloom and fade. The rose grows entirely unaware changing naturally from one state to another and although the elements may treat her cruelly she knows nothing of it and continues to her end without judgement on her beauty. Alas it is not the same for us.

If such a rose could speak what would she say?

Yes I am here and gave service under natures eye and after me my children will be. Is there any greater contribution or more graceful end?

A wise rose. And what protection can a gardner afford this rose from the harsh elements of change?

Patience, care and a little warmth from the sun are our best hope your majesty.

Kate Winslet and Alan Rickmans exchange at court in A Little Chaos. A beautifully written film.

Exercise Your Demons

Before They Exercise You


Enjoy all of your SELF because only the stifled emotions will push back harder. Wallow in the pain, feel the emotions that you want to hide, let them out. Don’t  throw daggers at yourself throw love in abundance because it will stick eventually.

Embrace all of your characters, love them and let them grow, let them see the light.  Prune them and then let them grow up perhaps up, up and away. Maybe up, up and within making you stronger. Wherever they go acknowledge them because they are or were a big part of you.

There is nothing within your SELF that you cannot understand because you experienced it and chose to keep hold of it. What did it teach you? What invaluable lesson did you learn? Pretty clever aren’t you, teaching yourself these lessons of life?

My novel Sharks and Lovers is available at Amazon Kobo and iBooks

One and Only


No one person will ever be your everything, no one person can possibly give you all that you need. 

This is the advice I want my kids to have, don’t give that power to anyone and don’t put that amount of pressure on yourself. You are the only person in charge of your happiness.

You can give people your gift and they will give you theirs if you are lucky but it can’t possibly feed all of your hopes and dreams, aspirations, needs and wants.

Everyone needs input,  we can all realise where we want to be in life but we can’t possess every attribute we need to get there. We need help from others and they need help from us.

Everyone has something to teach us. Everyone.