truth

The Murray

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Whilst on holiday by the Murray River I was able to lose my self persecution of why, if and how and replaced these questions with evidence of now.

Discovering new destinations for this road now so strong, not that crumpled bitumen that seemed to take so long.

Turbulent and exhilarating the street signs just a blur and then some traffic lights to check what might occur.

The Murray River winding through sandy banks, reflections of gum trees and muted sun, a water road, soft yet strong wandering and wondering, flowing like a song.

The Adult At The Gate

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It was a normal pick up from school, I was as usual listening to the music in the car and then unusually I was masked, standing my restricted distance from the school, the gate and any other human! I noticed my daughter was walking quickly and when we got inside the car I expected the usual tirade about annoying boys, which happened, I listened and we laughed, then sang along to Pink.

The next day on the way to school it all came out; ‘there was a man at the school gate yesterday and he was smiling at me, he didn’t take his eyes off me and made me feel uncomfortable.’

‘he didn’t take his eyes off me and made me feel uncomfortable’ This made my stomach tighten and my eyes sharpen as we pulled up to the school. Any 10 year old uttering those words needs to be heard. I told her that her gut feeling was right and that is what to listen to. She got out of the car and I walked her to the gate, a lioness protecting her cub. I told her I would get there early tonight and would keep an eye out.

The most terrifying thing about this in my mind after alerting the school was the sinking knowledge that this was another parent. There was very little to be done. I kept the communication open with my daughter and watched her closely. For the next week the deputy head walked up and down the gate as the children left waving and smiling at me and I wondered how many times this had happened before. It didn’t happen again.

For those who think that this wouldn’t happen at ‘their school’ or to ‘their children, and it only happens to others, wake up! As women we know when someone makes us feel uncomfortable whether we are 10 or 85.

My family live in a wonderful community in beautiful sunny Melbourne but we still need to be wary and alert.

One in four children has an abuser at arms length! Unfortunately they don’t look like monsters, have horns or fangs. They are just like you and me, they can be kind, happy and loving but they can also be the terrible change in your child’s innocent life.

Over 45% of females have been abused by the time they turn 18 and that figure is just the reported cases. I believe the figures are similar for males.

Be aware, Be Safe and most importantly as a parent be approachable to your children about every subject even the difficult ones. There’s some interesting information below.

https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/advice/practical-ways-to-talk-to-kids-about-strangers/.

Skate Night – Truth Night

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Well this is an old post and I honestly can’t remember if at the time I published something similar however I’m pleased to say my faith was rewarded. We must go skating more often!

Skate Night

Skate night often turns into truth night in our house as we rush to get there after school, the conversation in the back of the car is an unloading of the day’s events, achievements and disappointments.

‘I think I will try to have lower expectations of other people’ My son exclaimed as the sunshine and showers followed us along the highway.

‘Ha! You have no idea my boy’ this was all I could muster after a difficult week, dealing with divorce, lawyers and colliding morals and ethics.

‘No!’ My beautiful wide eyed daughter answered ‘you have to believe in people!’

‘You certainly need to have high expectations of yourself’ I chipped in.

My children’s conversation echoed my thoughts after nearly two years of trying to find a way for the three of us to stay in our family home.

‘You just simply can’t afford this house!’

‘If I divorce my wife certainly wouldn’t get the house all she’s done is look after the kids’ – this was a potential financial advisor that wanted my custom!!

‘Go and get a proper job’ – No I don’t want to be gone from my children for 10 hours a day!

Over this time it has been hard not to lose faith in a world that seems to have lost faith in me.

Truth Night

My determination to stay in our home is not a selfish whim but simply after five moves in five years I believe my children deserve to have a family home and I know that I have worked hard to try to achieve this. This is why I have Airbnb’d the place, why I sit most evenings on the sofa with my kids, my laptop next to me working hard to send my hourly invoices out.

Faith

Soon I will know my fate. I believe I will stay in this house with my children because I have faith in my own ability to do so, I will not change my faith and belief in humanity even when positive reinforcement seems a far cry from my immediate needs, I will also continue my writing and share success spiritually, psychologically and physically with my wonderful writing friends because that is why I’ve changed my life so that I can smile at the world even when they are frowning at me!

Inside Out

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Like a lot of preconceptions, prison was completely different in reality. There were no steel bars and the view was beautiful from the manicured gardens.

The most visible differences from the world on the outside was the fact that these men all looked at their physical peak. Their exteriors were so well turned out.

Many of the men had girlfriends visiting but where were their dads, brothers and mates?  Is that the reason these men are here inside, there are no male role models for them? It seemed that could be the case.

Apparently the majority of prisoners do not even get visits so perhaps the gender of the visitor is in fact irrelevant, just knowing that someone cares should be enough? We all need a hand to hold no matter how strong we appear to be on the outside.

The correction centre had the disciplinary air of a school and yet these were grown men. You knew who was in charge and you certainly didn’t want to step out of line. There was also the obvious hierarchy amongst the prisoners which kept fear alive and eyes twitching.

For some this is just ‘fattening up for the next run’. There is no other way of life, no one to help them, no one that has penetrated their mental walls, nobody that has shown connection whilst they are on the inside.

What struck me most and I guess what we observe in everyday life is how lonely prison must be. But then so many of us choose to be lonely even when we are on the outside.

What I experienced was a tiny example of this walled society. A taste of the outside in or inside out!

Men, Love & Sexual Liberation 

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What a privilege it is to have these amazing men read my book and also how profound. Five men started my journey into words when I thought I had lost my power and decided to delve deeper into my psyche and sexuality.  I soon regained my sense of self and began my journey of Sexual Liberation.  I feel so free and empowered and this photo feels as though these extraordinary men have lifted me up on their shoulders. Thanks Boys all of you xxx

Confessions of Sexpo

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These nameless confessions from Sexpo I hope will inspire, confront and comfort. We all have a story to tell and I had the amazing privilege of listening to these beautiful people.

1. The Poet

He came in as soon as the doors opened on day one with eyes searching.

‘I used to write poetry’ he said with excitement in his voice but then he turned away and looked down.

‘But my muse left me’

Continue reading →

Sexpo

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I feel so lucky to be here and yet I’m so far away from anyone I love, this is truly an epic adventure of heart and mind for me at Sexpo Perth.  This isn’t how I start my seminar out loud but maybe I should have!

Day One

Sales are going well and before I am due to go on some angels come to visit me. One is Madison Missina her strong charisma always projected a few feet ahead, she also talks at the share center and is a proactive safe sex advocate.  Madison takes the sexpo tours, holding the hands of the curious, encouraging their intrigue with every step. Then I catch Isabelle Deltore, she looks beautiful as always and tells me how busy she’s been and how she needs a break as always though her energy is high, racing around as fast as her motorbikes!  She joins myself and Jack, a historian and we discuss his three published books.  Sexpo really is soup for the soul, a mixture of the caring, curious and conscious.

Continue reading →

Black Ink

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Notes on a poem

Pain is the spilt pot of black ink that covers everything and yet is not always apparent to the naked eye.  The bearer of pain is the only person who knows its origin and holds the key to unlock the door to happiness.  However pain is a fuel, a wonderful weapon of manipulation.  Always holding it’s power over others. Poor me, poor you, poor us.

Pain unlocks your pain but then where does it go? Are you beholden to him?  Does it occasionally surface as a reminder of how not to live?  A dear friend now poisoned.

Do you cling to the knowledge of a dark familiar place or follow a light that is wavering and uncertain?

After all knowledge is power and so now your power has gone.

Happiness is just those few notes you got right, never once did it make a song.

Pain is the uncertainty of happiness, just out of reach.  A warm and loving gift.  Touched words to soothe the dark in so many women’s lives.  Another powerful kind of control.

How can we know if it is true or if a yoyo of black and white will always occur?

Blind faith is all we have and a little courage that falling from a place so close to the sun would surely be a flight worth risking.

Lyrics of Faith this is the poem or lyrics!

Enjoy x

 

 

Games of Love

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Games People Play is a book I enjoyed reading whilst I was studying.  Berne explores transactional analysis by way of the parent, adult and child.  I on the other hand decided to take a slightly broader look at who my characters chose as partners, their parent, child or equal.

Lets start with Milla, she thinks she wants a parent to look after her and so looks for men with power unfortunately it soon becomes clear that she will always be the victim in this situation.  Then along comes Tabatha, she doesn’t control Milla, she lays back and enjoys Milla’s courage. Tabatha is strong enough to be her equal and so neither has to fall into the victim persona.

Stacey is the mum in all aspects of her life and craves to be the child, the one who is looked after.  She doesn’t want to give her power up completely and so this relationship can only ever be casual, this way she is still in control of her life and others.

Sharon has succumb to her child fantasies with Lenny, as he worships her and keeps her captive.  Her fun in the cellar has fueled her power and now she wants to explore the world and needs a more experienced ‘Daddy’ to lead her, Harry gladly accepts her hand.

Tabatha wants to play the adult so badly she is striving for this, to be the best she can be and takes every opportunity.   When she realises that Rick wants a parent she looks elsewhere, she doesn’t want that responsibility because she knows it will weigh her down.

So what role is Harry playing?  The parent to them all, he loves the power and for a while he relies on his equal at home, his wife Lin but what happens when he has no equal?  When Lin decides it is her time to grow and not be held back by her ‘child’ Harry’s world starts to fall apart, no one has his back any more and he starts to slowly unravel.  Will Sharon be able to take on the role, is she strong enough? Or will Harry finally take control of his life, his emotions and himself.

What game are you playing? Is it your best?

My novel Sharks & Lovers is available here; Amazon, iBooks, Kobo