The evolving writer

Tinder All The Way!

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That was my mantra whilst my babies were abroad, I hung up my apron and concentrated on being Me not Mum.  It’s actually a great excuse to meet new people, coffee’s, lunches, exhibitions, new bars and yes the inevitable, well hopefully, love of course. What were You thinking?

Meeting lots of new men in the space of three weeks I’ve realised how lonely we all are as a human race. To hold someone else’s hand, to have someone to vent to, someone that checks in to see how your day is going, this is now an app, not a normal state of being!

Most of us are in a very vulnerable state when tindering, nervously excited, we are all fragile souls, well the ones over 40 are anyway! Those 31 year olds still have the superman spirit of a teenager!

I have met men who have been in the armed forces, prison, fostered, looked after by brothers and sisters. I’ve met high flyers, miners and pilots but can honestly say and I wasn’t expecting this at all, I have met some of the kindest humans. Tinder has given me back my love of humanity that the two years of lockdown tried to take away.

Love is still the ultimate goal for many on tinder and if that love arrives in the form of a new friendship, surely that’s still progress?

So if you’re single, go mingle! You might just be surprised by what you find.

The Humble Dick Pic

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I happen to be single at the moment which invariably means men send me pics of their dick.  To say that this first happened a year or so after I had split up from my husband, would be a lie. However, it was the first time that I took it seriously. It seemed like an invitation of sorts.

Oh how I wonder if Jane Austen would giggle with glee. Her eyes wide with anticipation when opening the hand written invitation to the next debutant ball, (no envelope knives please Jane!) only to envisage the engorged phallus.  Probably a pencil drawing do you think?  Maybe that’s why those girls were always so giggly, we think we invented the dick pic, ha it’s been going on for centuries!? Respondez S’il Vous Plait.

So how does someone rsvp to a dick pic? It’s hard enough getting the head tilt right to eliminate the double chin in a selfie, let alone any other posing. It probably takes a lot of effort but I still tend to get distracted by the surroundings; he could of picked up the towel from the floor! Although I’m glad he showered first, that shows consideration…

My first serial dick picker for want of a better term, (continuous dick pics for about three years) was a South American stripper, extremely built body, abs upon abs. I would try and ignore the pics and use words instead to communicate with this glorious individual (whom I had met on one occasion) but these words would fall short, go nowhere, chatting would stop and a few months later the pics would reappear. Then one day the dick pics stopped, I was dismayed, I was no longer being invited to the ball! What had happened? I stalked him on socials and there seemed to be no change in his situation.  He had just given up. I was quite sad, not Jane Austen sitting by the window looking longingly out over the fields waiting for the sound of galloping hooves kinda sad but have another vodka and jump back on tinder kinda sad.

Now that I am actively looking (for a partner not a dick pic), they are coming thick and fast, quite literally, it is not just a pic now, it is a recording, oh how technology advances in the blink of an eye!  I have stopped being shocked or alarmed and instead my brain responds with a good Aussie phrase ‘good on ya mate!’ It’s his body and he’s proud, there are no underage anyone being forced to do anything and I can always press delete or block. It is sometimes titillating and amusing and some effort has gone into these clips, so much action, gyration yet still able to keep the camera angle just right. I have found a new respect and my response, when encouragement is the desired effect is a negligee pic, no genitalia, no peeking anything, just good old fashioned heaving cleavage, Jane would be proud.

Gavin and Stacey and the less funny Covid Conversations

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‘I haven’t looked at the death toll today!’ I exclaimed, a conversation I had a couple of months ago with my brother. We compared covid statistics him in England and I in Australia these abhorrent words came out of my mouth. Yuk! ‘There’s still a lot of cases over here but not so many dying’ my brother replied.

My brother and I talk once a week on FaceTime and obviously over the last 2 years the conversation has revolved around binge worthy shows like Gavin & Stacey and the less funny Covid statistics. I’m not sure what I would have done through lockdown without Gav n Stace let alone Nessa! Sorry Smithy you might have stolen the late late show now but back in the day you really weren’t the main man!

I’m not gonna lie Death tolls, vaccination rates and protests are not normal conversations but ones we seem to be having constantly. No wonder so many are struggling with their mental health. Whilst the uber rich have continued to fly in and out of Australia to visit their friends in Byron Bay. Now even tennis players are fighting for their right to get into Australia, unvaccinated whilst so many have not been able to see their loved ones and hold their hand for the last time. Sling your hook Novak!

When all said and done it’s just not human nature to be locked up for months on end. Institutionalised, becoming hyper reactive to everyday norms that you would normally laugh. We all just need a Kutch!

Whats Occurring? Our kids will be the ones who will remember this time in history as a large part of their development or underdevelopment as many have lost 2 years of progressive schooling, let alone progressing their social skills. Some kids have thrived at home with less distractions in class but those who need interactive learning have suffered the loss of community encouragement. We have All suffered the loss of community.

As my kids return to school and they test twice a week sticking cotton buds up their nose and twisting it I smile at them with empathetic eyes. Internally however I’m shaking my head I can’t help my internal dialogue of Nessa and her brash way of putting things Oh my Christ!

If only Dave Coaches was here to reply! ‘Well sugar tits, I haven’t a Scooby!’

Thank goodness for I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here! Escapism is always a good alternative.

We are all Artists

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Our lives are our Art

We are all artists of our own life. Some of us wear emotions blatantly that others dare not; love, peace, fear, anger. It doesn’t make them wrong, it’s our expression, we don’t have to create huge canvas’s or volumes of novels to call ourselves artists. Our lives are the best canvas on which to create our expression.

‘We all try to escape reality sometimes. Artists do it all the time and are brave enough to show the world their most vulnerable inner thoughts, their subconscious and conscious minds so that maybe someone somewhere will relate and not feel so alone’  Sex Education – Netflix

Rage

My daughter says to me now, ‘you’re definitely a bit rage today Mum’ if I shout at a fellow driver as he cuts me off. ‘Yep’ I say and that’s ok. She has rage days too, we all do. It’s nice to acknowledge it and laugh about it.

One of my favourite memories of my Mum as a child was her getting angry in the car, Mum didn’t swear much and doesn’t now. So to hear her call someone an arsehole, (such a descriptive swearword) was shocking and yet hilarious. I remember sitting in the back and quietly giggling as the turned the corner and realised it was quite funny and she laughed at the outburst too.

Love

Expressions of love come in so many different ways; touch, smiles, help, gifts, words.  It’s not always easy to give what is needed or wanted. Cuddles are my favourite expression of love to give and recieve and I cherish those moments with my teenagers.  Help is a little more difficult to receive or give, sometimes it’s too much, not wanted, in the wrong area. Giving help can be complicated. 

Fear

Fear is probably one of the hardest emotions to deal with and maybe the most difficult to express.  Telling someone you are frightened is a vulnerable state to put ourselves in and yet receiving someone else’s concern of fear is always so welcome and relatable. Sometimes fear can turn into anger. Fear of the unknown surrounds us daily.

Peace

Expressing this can sometimes seem slightly self righteous. Maybe because we are not used to this state of mind being expressed, it can seem strange to some of us.  However peace can be as beautiful as love.

However we choose to express ourselves there is no right or wrong. We all have parts that we would rather conceal from the world. Expressing these hidden parts of ourselves is Art.

Memoir

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Frankie BanksWhy Write Memoir?

Many people have kept journals throughout their life, a memoir. Perhaps over a period of travel, a period of change or a period of trauma. Some people write in their journal every day. These writings can easily be turned into a book of memoir. But why? And who would read it? Would you really want your nearest and dearest to?

Have you ever found one of your relatives diaries or letters? It’s always so intriguing to read a family members point of view on love or death, on the big subjects rarely discussed.  That is why you should publish for others to learn; a new viewpoint, a different way of life, even experience a by gone era.

Family History

Family are generally much more forgiving than we give them credit for and they really do want to know the family secrets, even if that secret is merely just a different perspective.

Families over generations sometimes follow the same trends and where that stems from is always interesting.  Websites such as ancestry.com encourage us to delve deeper into our family history but where do we put this information? Do we put it in a bottom draw hoping someone will find it or do we self publish it and help the story to live and breathe.

Fictional Memoir

Capote is most famous for writing fictional memoir. Some memories are too traumatic to simply publish with complete truth and some writers also like to provide some discreet cover by way of fictional memoir.  Sticking to the plot of what happened but perhaps renaming or reshaping some sequences so as not to offend can be ideal. It’s your story after all, it’s your perspective, you can write it however you see fit!

Memoir Memories as Therapy

Writing memories as memoir is also a proven therapy known as written exposure therapy. In conjunction with a therapist this is one of the best known ways to deal with post traumatic stress disorder. I would argue that in varying degrees we have all overcome or suffered from a traumatic experience at some point in our lives. With or without guidance we can all write the wrongs.

In conclusion memoir helps our families to understand and learn about their history, it helps us to move forward from trauma and it helps anyone who reads to widen their perspective and maybe write their own story one day. So what are you waiting for?

If you would like some help with your writing or getting published please email me at frankiebanks27@gmail.com

Drama Triangle

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I believe we all have a Drama Triangle in our lives it’s just a matter of are we enjoying it? Are we aware of it? Does it feed our need to be ‘special’?

Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer? It isn’t just a question of which one are you? As my eleven year old daughter quite simply put, ‘Yes, different people make you feel or react differently’. We all can play a different role with different people.

With your parents you may want them to be the Rescuer because that is how we have been conditioned as a child. However as you grow up and they get older you may well find yourself rescuing them! I think this is the most placid example of a Drama Triangle situation with the outside world of challenges, responsibilities and friendships acting as the persecutor.

This is a great article about the The Drama Triangle and in my opinion we all feed someone’s, if not our own. Is this subconscious manipulation or simply human nature?

So what’s the problem? Especially if you are the Rescuer because surely that’s the best one to be! Surely you are only helping, not hurting the other people involved?

Even as Rescuer you are keeping the victim stuck and more worryingly you are keeping the persecutor stuck in their role and feeding their behaviour.

Perhaps this victims real and first persecutor was years ago, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years ago. This is the only relationship model they know and so it is a recurring theme in the victims life. By playing the Rescuer today you are reinforcing the victims behaviour, you are encouraging them to find another persecutor.

#Metoo

This is one of the reasons the #metoo movement didn’t quite sit favourably with me. Abuse of any kind is wrong there is no doubt about it. The movement started with a pure purpose, like so many do. However watching #metoo, methree, mefour, memillions I couldn’t help wondering how many victims were being given justification to live in this blame culture. What about #mefree? At some point we have to forgive, learn and move on.

I also wonder if this movement vindicated the persecutor? – ‘well if I’m a persecutor I had better go persecute someone!’ I realise it’s a very simplistic view but don’t humans like to complicate things?

I wonder how this blame culture will end as we sit to watch the next Witch dropped in to the pond, the next gladiator eaten surprisingly by the tiger.

I adore many feministic views but keeping us in the role of victim, shouting about it and blaming individuals at best is a circus at worst it seems like playground tactics. Have any of the enormous peodophile rings and human trafficking statistics changed since #metoo? I’m thinking Not.

Breaking the Cycle

So how do we break this drama triangle? I believe just being present with our language and not feeding others weaknesses is a place to start. Be kind with our stories of ourselves, to ourselves and others. Realise how and what we trigger and be responsible. Be ourselves, be kind and try not to be reactive.

Forgive and if need be change our behaviour.

Dry Tears

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Yarra Valley Christmas

We were holidaying for three weeks in the beautiful Yarra Valley over Christmas 2019, it’s a place we regularly visit but this time we were on high alert. Constantly checking our Victoria Emergency Application. We had an evacuation plan if the fires got within 100km.  Although they didn’t, friends  were not so lucky!

As our friend sat in our camp chair the anxiety in his quavering voice told us of his girlfriend who had lost her home. She had been stranded on the beach waiting to be rescued and then taken to a friends house where she would stay. Her house was ruined. This big burly Aussie that for so long to us was always smiling was reduced to tears. The fires affected every Victorian in some way or another and we all knew someone who had been displaced because of them.

Extravagant Excess

One day the heat was over 45 degrees celsius and so we took shelter in a nearby hotel the glass of the beautiful restaurant over looking the Yarra hills. Suddenly the glass shook with a blast of hot wind and the electricity cut out. The whole room looked at each other but knew we had nothing to complain about.

It seemed strange that only a few months later the fires were gone and we were all in lockdown, the complete opposite of the fleeing from fire that we had seen at the beginning of the year.  The country towns that had been abandoned were now seeing house prices rise as the densely populated city is the place to run from. Remote working is now a new norm and hopefully having a positive impact on the small towns of Victoria and NSW that the fires affected.

The fires will no doubt come again next year but lets hope they are not as bad as 2019 and that people can return to some normality. As for covid well that cycle seems to also be around for longer than anticipated. Will 2020 be our first covid Christmas?

 

Behind Closed Doors

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Persona

It seems many of us have spent the last ten years creating the most fabulous Facebook personality, the ever positive, always looking on the bright side, never swaying from sanity persona but now we are faced with the real us! Are we the conspiracy theorist, the placid follower or the rebellious vigilante? Are we the next self help guru trying hard to believe our own scripts?

The real life version of our selves has started to reveal itself on social media as we grapple with the global pandemic. It’s interesting to see the shift in persona. Who we are when we’re at home behind closed doors, when the camera is off, the light isn’t hiding the double chin and our eyes aren’t focused in exactly the right direction.  Suddenly this person seems to be visible, this version has uncloaked itself for all to see.

Being house bound during lock down means not dressing up for work and not making our face perfect. So who are you when you are stripped down to your baggy tracksuit, pj’s, dressing gown or jeans n T? For most of us we are the same but maybe with more shadow than light, more critic and less forgiveness. This person also has an opinion, a voice and a public face. Although it might not be the one we all want and hope to see or portray.

Introvert vs Extrovert

 Are these ‘extroverts’ the angry protesters? Or are these extroverts simply introverting the anger of nations until it eventually explodes? We all have an extrovert in us, the one that is all over social media where no real exchange can be given.

The Introvert, one may presume self isolation is more suited, someone who actually enjoys their own company enough to feel energised by it. However presumably this time by themselves means on their own, not surrounded by all the other people in the house self isolating with them!

Extrovert is not necessarily the life and soul of the party but just someone who energises themselves with other people’s company. There is no wrong or right and we all change on a daily basis how introverted or extrovert we feel. Right now neither are probably getting the right degree of energy! Both equally frustrated.

The Self

Whilst we may be stripped back to bare all with no material influences at the moment perhaps that is a good thing.  The blossom tree can be just as beautiful in the winter months, the closed flower as enticing. Perhaps the persona and ego don’t mind taking a back seat once in a while.  Maybe we are realising there is so much more to life than social media and creating a false reality, the self is actually far more interesting!

Spending a Penny

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My Nan would always use the expression ‘spend a penny’ to let us know that she was just ‘popping to the loo’.  It would always make me giggle. After a little research I discovered that men’s urinals were free, it was just the women who had to spend that penny! The last time I was in London, Liverpool Street Station still charged to use their conveniences! I hope they don’t now.

I’m glad that Australia seems to have toilets on every corner, maybe it’s because you need to drink more water over here with the dry heat? Whatever the reason they are much better equiped in some aspects of their infrastructure than good old England!

Dystopian Utopia

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Dystopian Society

How did we slip into this dystopian society so quickly? The global catastrophe that is Covid 19 has literally taken a hold on the world. The beginning of 2020 looked very different.  Freedom reigned most of the worlds societies, or at least a perception of freedom.  We could all eat together, drink together and swim together was this Utopia? Did we spend so much time writing and imagining a dystopian society that we created it? George Orwell, Margaret Atwood, H.G Wells et al did such a great job but this is not fiction.

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