writing

The Adult At The Gate

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It was a normal pick up from school, I was as usual listening to the music in the car and then unusually I was masked, standing my restricted distance from the school, the gate and any other human! I noticed my daughter was walking quickly and when we got inside the car I expected the usual tirade about annoying boys, which happened, I listened and we laughed, then sang along to Pink.

The next day on the way to school it all came out; ‘there was a man at the school gate yesterday and he was smiling at me, he didn’t take his eyes off me and made me feel uncomfortable.’

‘he didn’t take his eyes off me and made me feel uncomfortable’ This made my stomach tighten and my eyes sharpen as we pulled up to the school. Any 10 year old uttering those words needs to be heard. I told her that her gut feeling was right and that is what to listen to. She got out of the car and I walked her to the gate, a lioness protecting her cub. I told her I would get there early tonight and would keep an eye out.

The most terrifying thing about this in my mind after alerting the school was the sinking knowledge that this was another parent. There was very little to be done. I kept the communication open with my daughter and watched her closely. For the next week the deputy head walked up and down the gate as the children left waving and smiling at me and I wondered how many times this had happened before. It didn’t happen again.

For those who think that this wouldn’t happen at ‘their school’ or to ‘their children, and it only happens to others, wake up! As women we know when someone makes us feel uncomfortable whether we are 10 or 85.

My family live in a wonderful community in beautiful sunny Melbourne but we still need to be wary and alert.

One in four children has an abuser at arms length! Unfortunately they don’t look like monsters, have horns or fangs. They are just like you and me, they can be kind, happy and loving but they can also be the terrible change in your child’s innocent life.

Over 45% of females have been abused by the time they turn 18 and that figure is just the reported cases. I believe the figures are similar for males.

Be aware, Be Safe and most importantly as a parent be approachable to your children about every subject even the difficult ones. There’s some interesting information below.

https://www.parents.com/parenting/better-parenting/advice/practical-ways-to-talk-to-kids-about-strangers/.

We are all Artists

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Our lives are our Art

We are all artists of our own life. Some of us wear emotions blatantly that others dare not; love, peace, fear, anger. It doesn’t make them wrong, it’s our expression, we don’t have to create huge canvas’s or volumes of novels to call ourselves artists. Our lives are the best canvas on which to create our expression.

‘We all try to escape reality sometimes. Artists do it all the time and are brave enough to show the world their most vulnerable inner thoughts, their subconscious and conscious minds so that maybe someone somewhere will relate and not feel so alone’  Sex Education – Netflix

Rage

My daughter says to me now, ‘you’re definitely a bit rage today Mum’ if I shout at a fellow driver as he cuts me off. ‘Yep’ I say and that’s ok. She has rage days too, we all do. It’s nice to acknowledge it and laugh about it.

One of my favourite memories of my Mum as a child was her getting angry in the car, Mum didn’t swear much and doesn’t now. So to hear her call someone an arsehole, (such a descriptive swearword) was shocking and yet hilarious. I remember sitting in the back and quietly giggling as the turned the corner and realised it was quite funny and she laughed at the outburst too.

Love

Expressions of love come in so many different ways; touch, smiles, help, gifts, words.  It’s not always easy to give what is needed or wanted. Cuddles are my favourite expression of love to give and recieve and I cherish those moments with my teenagers.  Help is a little more difficult to receive or give, sometimes it’s too much, not wanted, in the wrong area. Giving help can be complicated. 

Fear

Fear is probably one of the hardest emotions to deal with and maybe the most difficult to express.  Telling someone you are frightened is a vulnerable state to put ourselves in and yet receiving someone else’s concern of fear is always so welcome and relatable. Sometimes fear can turn into anger. Fear of the unknown surrounds us daily.

Peace

Expressing this can sometimes seem slightly self righteous. Maybe because we are not used to this state of mind being expressed, it can seem strange to some of us.  However peace can be as beautiful as love.

However we choose to express ourselves there is no right or wrong. We all have parts that we would rather conceal from the world. Expressing these hidden parts of ourselves is Art.

The Idiot – Fyodor Dostoevsky

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‘Aha! do—by all means! if you tan my hide you won’t turn me away from your society. You’ll bind me to you, with your lash, for ever…..’

A few years ago I became slightly obsessed with Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina. Now it is another Russian writer who has whisked me away into his world.

Dostoevsky first courted me with his Brothers Karminov, when a writer makes you laugh out loud I believe they are living through you. I had found a male writer making fun of the male frailties, I had so often encountered but had not been able to distinguish, I adored it. The characters and the authors voice were so endearing yet powerful, enticing and confronting. Of course his portrayal of the females were dated and sexist but as he seemed to be equally sexist of the men the story was balanced. Did he know how progressive his thinking was, I wonder in mid 1800’s?

Now it is The Idiot I am reading and again his perspective of male fragility and superiority, fear disguised as pomposity is so endearing. I enjoy observing our human ridiculousness, our rights and wrongs so blatantly made fun of. Conversation flows from the page, nothing stilted and yet the atmosphere so awkward, the characters flaws portrayed perfectly to charm the reader.

It’s just so wonderful to fall in love with a writers words. I can thoroughly recommend Dostoevsky to add humour and humility to your day! Buy his books here!

Crime and Punishment is my next read.

Existence, Consciousness, Bliss

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Recently, whilst I was knee deep wading through the muddy research of Family Violence this mantra reappeared in my head; Existence, Consciousness, Bliss.

I’ve heard this saying on a few occasions over the years and it has never really resonated with me until recently. Deepak Chopra guided me through Melbourne’s lockdowns with his abundance meditation, a new learning each day and on one of the days this was the mantra; Existence, Consciousness, Bliss. Sat Chit Ananda.

I wrote the mantra on our white board, a reminder that I was growing and that there would be bliss at some point, right now though I had to be conscious! Family Violence was a messy topic to delve into but unfortunately just like drugs and alcohol, family violence plays a huge role in the justice system! One of our lecturers a stern and stoic police sergeant told us that nearly 60-70 percent of crime is Domestic Family Violence related!

It’s true, for the last six Monday’s I’ve studied Murder and Manslaughter and whilst I’m amazed at the short sentences and lack of rehabilitation I’m also disgusted at the lack of victim survivor and family support. It’s true most of the cases I’ve read are FV related. It was shocking at first, now it’s just facts that are overwhelmingly dark; 1 woman killed every week in Australia, most of whom have gone through the courts and taken out an Intervention Order but unfortunately the ‘innocent until proven guilty’ golden thread has stuck fast. Where is the silver lining for the victims? For the perpetrator there is a place of safety in this golden thread but for the victims they have to continue to push the wheelbarrow of evidence up the hill of untrusting public scrutiny only to find they are alone and vulnerable. This is Justice apparently, this is conscious existence but certainly not bliss.

Existence is a place we have all felt, covid lockdown is a place of existence, lockdown can seem like living or consciousness has been eliminated. A prison like perception as many of our freedoms are withdrawn and we retreat into our caves. Many of us not wanting to turn on the news with the realisation that so much of it is fake and that our voices are being censored and ignored.

However the less time we spend in Consciousness the more difficult a place it becomes to inhabit. When being conscious of the world and all of the social struggles that society face, it can be easy to retreat again. However being aware and not hiding in a bubble of materialism, lies or absorption can become enlightening. Can bring Bliss.

Justice is a complex subject which encompasses so many elements, so many unconscious acts of existence. If only bliss was more prevalent for more people, if only people were more conscious of their actions.

Existing is to conform to all of our primitive conditioning, no striving, Just acceptance. Let’s not just accept, be conscious enough to let go and bathe in the bliss that surrounds us all.

Bliss is love and love conquers all. If only we were aware enough to notice! It’s difficult to feel love All of the time. Seeing is believing and we can find glimpses of it in the people around us, in the beautiful sky, ocean and flowers that mirror us, it’s there if our eyes and hearts are open.

 

 

Single Parents

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As a single parent I thought I would join a single parents online group to see how others cope with going it alone! I was looking for support as most of my friends are married or living with new partners (tried that didn’t work, Kathryn Ryan is right, I love dolphins but I don’t want to live with one of those either!).

After a couple of weeks in the group I’d followed a few threads about meeting up via zoom, which never fell on the days I don’t have the kids so that didn’t work. I didn’t want to talk about strategy or vulnerabilities in front of my troops!

I followed threads and commented a bit but something wasn’t quite fitting. I was seeing posts from proud dads with their sons woodwork project. Photos of Mums in the park with their kids. Then there were the other photos, the roast dinner, bottle of wine and fire in the background and the ‘new selfie’ with her off the shoulder jumper.

All of a sudden it dawned on me, is this a ‘Single‘ parents group or a single ‘Parents’ group? It seemed some of us were looking for very different kinds of comfort. I told my manfriend that I had joined the group. His reaction was hard to read. I am a single parent doing this on my own I’m just looking for like minded parents. It’s not like I was window shopping on tinder, that’s so last year and hello, Covid alert!

A week later the group name changed to Single Mums & Dads. Well that didn’t clarify anything for me, I thought I’d message someone on there and see what they thought. Well the reply of photo half naked in a hot tub was self explanatory, he should of been on tinder and I should have read between the lines!

Feb Fast 2021

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After a gluttonous 2020 with covid destroying any hopes of…well any hope! I decided as I do most years to try Feb Fast (No alcohol for the whole month). I usually last about two weeks but hey at least I try!

Feb

I also started a diploma of Justice this week which kept me very busy and the kids started back at school after their summer break so it’s been a busy household! The first two days were fine I never usually drink on a Monday or Tuesday so this was normal but for some reason during covid the weekend seemed to stretch from Friday and Saturday to then Thursday, Friday, Saturday then Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Well now you know why I was doing Feb Fast! This year however I managed to go the whole month and felt fantastic, structure reappeared along with sobriety.

June

After feb fast I decided to sign up to a personal training group; body and mind transformation. I’ve had a couple of pt’s over the years and I knew it was time for change again. Some people think that a PT is an extravagance but we all need help in areas of our life and sometimes that help needs to be paid for! The best investments I’ve ever made have been in myself and this is no exception.

This time I had discovered Deepak Chopra and meditation which helped a lot with focusing on the bigger things in life like abundance and happiness, stillness and contentment. Realising these qualities were within me, something I could call upon whenever I chose was a break through. I no longer needed to strive and feel inadequate, everything I needed was right here all along.

The fitness coach Dan ‘the man‘ from the Uk has a lot of humility and strangely a very laid back attitude. My previous trainers definitely subscribed to the stick not the carrot, I could end up feeling so guilty if I stumbled and accidentally slipped a bag of haribo in my face. But Dans training didn’t seem centred around guilt and what’s ‘bad’ much more about how to improve and grow mentally as well as physically. A holistic approach.

The first two weeks were crazy and by the third week I’d lost 5 kilos! I got my swimmers on and headed to the beach. The beach is my happy place, rain or shine. Listening to the waves is such a soothing sound and one that I carry from my childhood of living by the sea, all be it the freezing North Sea! Now I’m in Melbourne even today in the middle of winter the clear water looks inviting.

Well it’s June now and I’ve lost well over 14 kilos. Much more than the five or six I put on in lockdown 2020 and I feel so good physically and mentally.

Lockdown may well be a new way of life, here to stay but so too is my new found healthier mentality towards my body and soul.

Leash

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Walking along the beach on my usual dog walk enjoying the sound of the waves crashing and the sea gulls squawking. Ray chased back and forth in his kelpie dashes.

A regular dog walker that I recognised was about 500 meters away, one of those long haired shaggy dogs always friendly and happy to see my Ray loping along. Equally the owner always happy to smile or wave.

Between us a new fella and his big Alsatian on the lead, I looked to Ray ready to call him and leash him as did the other woman with her dog. However as we approached him from either side of the small cove he retreated into the bush land with his dog and sat quietly.

Ray hadn’t yet spotted the Alsatian, too intent on catching those seagulls, (with no actual hope of that whatsoever!). Neither had the shaggy dog as he gave Ray a quick sniff. The Alsatian and owner now camouflaged in the undergrowth. We all carried on our walks.

Consideration, respect and kindness sometimes doesn’t even need to start with a smile!

Learning And Sharing

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“Behaviour is often taken as evidence of identity or capability, and this is how confidence and competence are destroyed in the classroom. Getting a sum wrong does not mean you are stupid or that you are poor at maths. To think this is to confuse logic, it is equivalent to thinking a ‘No Smoking’ sign in the cinema applies to the characters in the film” Joseph O Connor & John Seymour: Introducing NLP (Element 2002).

Everyone needs a platform for their writing and finding the right fit for your time, genre, cashflow, audience and I.T capabilities can be difficult.

Three weeks into teaching at my local U3A and there is a group of very interesting and interested writers some using Instagram for the first time, some creating blogs on WordPress and one group have published on Amazon, yes in just three weeks!

Instagram was a keen favorite with some individuals because it is what it says, instant! It is also very simple to use, set up and a great way to share excerpts and blogs.

When the course started there were some conversations about not being computer savvy but that was simply confidence that needed building.

Teaching is a pleasure when the recipient is responsive and that is obviously a result of teaching what is relevant and creating confidence.

 

Let them Fall and Fail

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I don’t often comment on parenting because we all know how bloody difficult it is to get it right. However a lesson shared might just be a lesson learnt!

Thanks to my big brother (who after talking about it for five years finally came to visit me in Aus) my children have taken up roller skating and I have returned, (after almost 25 years!).

I don’t mind admitting it was pretty scary putting those skates back on and realising you are not quite as agile as you were at 15! Skating was one of the easiest things I can remember doing as a kid so why was it so difficult now? Ha ha fear! Fear of of falling over, fear of failure.

My teenage boy got the hang of it almost immediately and my youngest clung eagerly to the side occasionally getting her confidence and then legs going in opposite directions like Bambi she would pull herself up and start all over again, with determination.

‘C’mon Mum speed up’ called my eldest

‘It’s ok for you you’re like a spitfire, I’m an old jumbo jet!’ I muttered feeling every muscle tighten and every wobble, wobble. On his second time lapping me he returned;

‘Mum a spitfire just has a prop, jumbo jets have twin turbo engines, you have more power than me!’

I laughed. They are always so much wiser, I never stop learning from my beautiful babies.

As adults we have been conditioned that ‘falling over’ is embarrassing and scary. The fear of falling or failing is what prevents us but the act of falling or failing is actually what propels us to succeed.

A strange site to see were the parents walking onto the rink with their kids holding both of their hands and not letting them go, a whole hour of walking around in circles. Oh how I wish I could hold their hands forever and never let them into a world I’m still trying to understand, a world that still hurts and confuses me but equally brings such pleasure when you least expect it. I wish I could take their knocks for them but then what would they learn? We have to let our children fall over and fail and get back up because that’s life!

After four or five visits to the rink my youngest is skating around perfectly well, away from the safety of the side enjoying every minute with a huge smile. My spitfire may only have a prop but effortlessly speeds around ducking and diving without hitting the ground. For me the 30 seconds achieved of perfect gliding, feeling fifteen again and the smiles on my children’s faces make the occasional bruise worth it. Like many parents it is me that needs to learn to let go!

Phuket & Intuition

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I first traveled to Phuket, Thailand in 2003 and so I was intrigued to discover what had changed since then. As it turned out it wasn’t the rough terrain or the busy roads, it was my infrastructure that had evolved most over this 15 years not Thailands after all why change a system that works!

That surge of heat as you leave the plane and walk out into the charming chaos of unfamiliar smells, sights and sounds was still as intriguing. As the mini bus found its space amid the jostling traffic our smiley driver took our luggage and we watched from the window at the street markets and cafe’s closing up for the evening, scooters and bicycles with two or more passengers weaving past in dare devil manoeuvres.

I had stayed in Rawai the first time around with my Mum and it was the most relaxing holiday that I will never forget! Poor Mum wasn’t very well whilst we were there but it didn’t stop us zooming about in a Tuk Tuk or riding elephants! We also had a few days in Bangkok where I had bought a copy of The Alchemist on the Khao San Road. This was a life changing read at the end of a year traveling, the perfect full stop to one chapter of my life and a new ethos of calm karma to carry on my journey.

This time my trip to Thailand combined business with pleasure which was equally if not more exciting. I am no longer seeking my passion or purpose but pursuing it and so it was no surprise that I spent most of the eight hour flight with my laptop open typing away.  A project that I have developed over the last three years I felt was perfect for Thailand and my intuition was right!  Travel always seems to encourage a pivot or acceleration in confidence, focus and determination, which is why I adore it so much. Growth is a craving that I have never relinquished, sometimes to my detriment, my head and heart speed ahead whilst in reality my feet are stock still in the present and as I look back through the time warp willing myself to catch up I wake up to the harsh reality that to move forwards you first have to let go.

Thinking back to my first visit I remember taking the trip with Mum to Kanchanbury Province, The Bridge over the River Kwai, it was a sobering walk through the fields of lost life and the train journey over the rickety bridge seemed almost in vain but a place I will never forget.  The toilet was another interesting memory which made the Aussie long drop seem revolutionary by design!

What we found in Phuket this time was a community of change, a multitude of gyms and boxing arena’s where people had come to better themselves. It was interesting to witness so many who had come to reclaim themselves from the stresses and strains of modern life. They were busy working on number one.

The writing project that I immersed myself in on the plane was so appropriate to the surroundings that when I arrived in Phuket I was almost shocked. Working on yourself is something we can forget to do in the whirlwind of life but how else can we grow? When I came home a friend just happened to forward me a link to recent research that actually backed my writing, my findings, my new book! I couldn’t believe it everything was falling into place, in the present this time!