9-5

A couple of years ago I started back at a 9-5 it seemed typical that whilst everyone had discovered working from home. Myself, having done that for 7 years I was going back into the office! Life sometimes hands you the dichotomy of your dreams, that doesn’t mean it’s not the right path it’s just a little curve in the road.

It’s a strange concept being in an office for 8 hours after 16 years of being at home with my beautiful children and creating a business.

I’ve spent a third of my life at home with my kids and to be honest I missed them terribly. However independence was shoved into their hands and they rose to the challenge going from asking me to get them a drink, they are now able to make themselves breakfast, lunch and dinner!

I came home the other day and my son had mown the lawn, my daughter had brought the washing in, they had both gone and walked the dog together, had lunch at the cafe and dinner was in the oven! Proud is an understatement.

It had been a balmy 35 degrees but the cool easterly wind was found on the balcony and we sat eating our dinner, discussing our day. Family makes what could be Groundhog Day into a lovely day. We watched the birds each commenting on our day enjoying the support and familiarity.

That was the summer holidays, when they return to school I’m sure a new ball game will ensue, that’s if any of us have the energy to catch it.

Vivid Births

Vivid are the births of my children; so much pain and so much pleasure. I would relive either or both for a hundred years, such a powerful sense of self.

With trepidation I entered the ER ward for my first and was thrust into the unempathetic arms of a large African women her skin shimmering from the flourescent lights as she told me how she had ten children and this was the easy bit.

‘Oh Great!’ I thought

Whilst my husband slept in the hospital chair I wriggled and writhed with the power that was trying to escape me. I walked, I stood and in the end I gave way to the nurse and lay down. Big mistake! I lay there for hours enhaling gas and air, occasionally being told I wasn’t ready and to stop pushing. How do you stop a force that only nature can control?

Eventually our beautiful boy was born and I was in shock, you can call it PND or whatever you want but new mothers are in shock! We’ve just had our bodies ripped open to produce another person, a whole new person that we are so emotionally and physically connected to that a change in their breathing can make our nipples leak and our vagina flood, not to mention our mood literally trapeze.

This shock was a wave of impressionist thinking, it wasn’t the real world just something I had created to survive. The world had changed on its axis and nothing would look the same again. It was play dates with 3 month olds, they can’t play! It was weigh ins at the clinic for a child who isn’t moving only eating. It was coffee with Mums who all talk at once whilst each are leaking from somewhere. It was walks to the park to sit on a swing, gently, whilst the stitches heal.

I had no idea what to do all I could do was try to love this creature that wanted nothing but yet everything.

My second birth was blissful! No hospital this time, a home birth, a birthing pool, my folks to look after baby number one and The Ashes for hubby to watch. Of course there was effort involved and wobbly moments if I wondered if a home birth was a selfish choice. But with music and candles in the front room of our 300 year old Hertfordshire home that had probably witnessed many births over the years, my baby was nurtured into this world.

I was bathed in my roll top bath with my baby, the midwife had ran the bath and afterwards sat me at my dressing table and brushed my hair! All on the NHS, she was pushy and in charge and exactly what I needed. I hadn’t respected the brash matter of fact midwife with number one but I had grown in the last three years and realised what was required.

The powerful sense of self whilst giving birth the fact that there can be only one result which is the baby will come out. The fact that we are forever connected makes me realise these significant days are to be cherished even after the fact.

The first few weeks of number two was easier but not easy this time I was breast feeding and so could take that private opportunity to breathe. Trying to nurture my boy at the same time not always easy but a necessity. Making our new bundle a play thing.

Watching the two of them roll around on the floor playing like cats giggling, tickling and occasionally scratching, finding their place in the pack. Listening to their squabbles, their questions and support for each other. I wouldn’t change a thing.

The Murray

Whilst on holiday by the Murray River I was able to lose my self persecution of why, if and how and replaced these questions with evidence of now.

Discovering new destinations for this road now so strong, not that crumpled bitumen that seemed to take so long.

Turbulent and exhilarating the street signs just a blur and then some traffic lights to check what might occur.

The Murray River winding through sandy banks, reflections of gum trees and muted sun, a water road, soft yet strong wandering and wondering, flowing like a song.

Fight, Flight, Flow and Freeze

I recently read a meme on Facebook:

‘I’ve thought about running away a lot more as an adult than I ever did as a child!’.

My primal instinct has always been flight not fight and although I laughed out loud on reflection I thought about all the times I did want to run away as an adult.

Ending up at a free camp site 4 hours from Melbourne, my camp chair plonked in the river on a 40 degree January day. Another time taking the kids to Adelaide, when I was aiming for Alice Springs and another flight of fancy in my twenties a trip alone to Nimes, France, the list goes on…

Right now in my life I don’t want to run away from anything or anyone.  It’s a nice place to be.

Fight

Fight is an interesting place to find yourself, anger rising until it has to explode. I’ve always liked to think I am a lover not a fighter however there are times, especially with my motherly instincts that fight can be ignited. It’s not somewhere I generally inhabit and it usually involves conflict with a vacuum cleaner to be honest, bloody things! I’ve broken more than I care to mention maybe I should stop fighting with them and run away next time.

Flow

Flow is my favourite place to inhabit and I believe we all have moments of flow, when your brain switches off from distraction and you are purely focused. I experienced this whilst writing my first book. However after experiencing such huge amounts of it in one year I could then appreciate the other ways in which flow works in life, at work or studying, even housework or spreadsheets. Sometimes shutting off from the world is easy, sometimes not.  Meditation i believe is another form of flow and one I have only recently discovered, such a blissful state.

Freeze

Freeze is another place I have inhabited on a few occassions and apparently trauma can bring this human reaction on.  Again once it has been ignited I believe it is easy to relive.  It’s not necassarily a nice place to be but the brains way of protecting us. It’s not always trauma, time can freeze in wonderful moments too watching a band or holding a hand when all of our emotions are hightened and the brain seems to slow down and freeze frame.

What a lot of F’s!

 

 

Unconditional Positive Regard

Carl Rogers came up with this theory of Unconditional Positive Regard being one of the founders of humanistic psychology.

Wouldn’t it be Absolutely Amazing if everyone gave each other this Kind of regard. Of course Mr Rogers was talking about in a clinical setting and not everyday life because surely that would be impossible wouldn’t it?

Not when I’m driving to work and negatively commenting on everyone else’s driving techniques which are obviously far worse than mine!

Not when the school sends ridiculous emails or messages about students and I wonder incredulous at how disorganised they seem to be, not in fact realising I have never and would never want to try to organise over 1000 hormonal teens, two is quite enough thank you!

Not when my dog is running on the beach being the silly boy he is and another family walk towards us, ‘here we go’ I think. Unconditional positive regard couldn’t be further from my thoughts; will they put their dog on a lead just that second too late so that I can’t catch pup, maybe I’ll put him on a lead now so that can’t happen, maybe they’ll want a play, maybe the other dog is aggressive, maybe I should just turn around and walk the other way. Generally I’ll put him back on the lead to avoid confrontation.

Occasionally unconditional positive regard is met and the dogs have a lovely play and when ready both owners walk away happy that their dog has been happily social.

Occasionally on my way to work someone will give way, or I will give way to them and we will acknowledge each other with a friendly smile or wave.

Occasionally I will be so impressed with the way the school has included our children in social or academic programs that perhaps they wouldn’t normally have the chance to do that I will send an email or go in and talk to them about what a good job they are doing.

Occasionally isn’t really good enough but it’s a start at trying to project unconditional positive regard to my fellow humans.

Friend or Foe

We all have a foe in our lives.

Whilst chatting with a girlfriend at our usual beach cafe I started to share the woes of an extremely ‘not for profit’ relationship I had experienced a while ago. You know the ones, put everything in and get nothing out other than an overwhelming feeling that you are being ‘good’ by keeping the status quo and continuing to give.

My friend who then as with the way of friendship took her turn to tell me about Harry, an old boyfriend who was still following her around when he could. (Another not for profit relationship). All of a sudden I realised everyone has a foe, that person that you can’t ever seem to make disappear, however much you try. They hang around and try to bleed you dry of your kindness.

This foe is manipulative and disruptive and more stubborn than a 2 yr old. They won’t let go because they know you’re an easy target. You want to please and be good and love everyone and so they exploit your good nature.

The foe wave however as with most waves ends in a crash, in Australia those beautiful, dramatic, chaotic waves can put you in the ‘wash cycle’. Your head spinning, the wave dumping you on the shore, literally washed up. Sand in every crevice, and that horrible tingling in your sinuses making you nauseous.

‘Harry is your foe not your friend’ I tell her and we laugh at this strange old fashioned word.

‘I’ve know him for so long’ she says in defense.

Just because you are aware of your foe it doesn’t mean you actually want to let them go. They bring excitement that you have become accustomed to. Your kindness to them is a cycle you know and enjoy.

You continue your walk in the sunshine the squalls of seagulls warning you of the next predator. However you’re too stunned by the last trauma to see that this is just another foe walking towards you surrounding you with their devastating charm, this one has its own banana boat, what could possibly go wrong?

Tinder All The Way!

That was my mantra whilst my babies were abroad, I hung up my apron and concentrated on being Me not Mum.  It’s actually a great excuse to meet new people, coffee’s, lunches, exhibitions, new bars and yes the inevitable, well hopefully, love of course. What were You thinking?

Meeting lots of new men in the space of three weeks I’ve realised how lonely we all are as a human race. To hold someone else’s hand, to have someone to vent to, someone that checks in to see how your day is going, this is now an app, not a normal state of being!

Most of us are in a very vulnerable state when tindering, nervously excited, we are all fragile souls, well the ones over 40 are anyway! Those 31 year olds still have the superman spirit of a teenager!

I have met men who have been in the armed forces, prison, fostered, looked after by brothers and sisters. I’ve met high flyers, miners and pilots but can honestly say and I wasn’t expecting this at all, I have met some of the kindest humans. Tinder has given me back my love of humanity that the two years of lockdown tried to take away.

Love is still the ultimate goal for many on tinder and if that love arrives in the form of a new friendship, surely that’s still progress?

So if you’re single, go mingle! You might just be surprised by what you find.

We are all Artists

Our lives are our Art

We are all artists of our own life. Some of us wear emotions blatantly that others dare not; love, peace, fear, anger. It doesn’t make them wrong, it’s our expression, we don’t have to create huge canvas’s or volumes of novels to call ourselves artists. Our lives are the best canvas on which to create our expression.

‘We all try to escape reality sometimes. Artists do it all the time and are brave enough to show the world their most vulnerable inner thoughts, their subconscious and conscious minds so that maybe someone somewhere will relate and not feel so alone’  Sex Education – Netflix

Rage

My daughter says to me now, ‘you’re definitely a bit rage today Mum’ if I shout at a fellow driver as he cuts me off. ‘Yep’ I say and that’s ok. She has rage days too, we all do. It’s nice to acknowledge it and laugh about it.

One of my favourite memories of my Mum as a child was her getting angry in the car, Mum didn’t swear much and doesn’t now. So to hear her call someone an arsehole, (such a descriptive swearword) was shocking and yet hilarious. I remember sitting in the back and quietly giggling as the turned the corner and realised it was quite funny and she laughed at the outburst too.

Love

Expressions of love come in so many different ways; touch, smiles, help, gifts, words.  It’s not always easy to give what is needed or wanted. Cuddles are my favourite expression of love to give and recieve and I cherish those moments with my teenagers.  Help is a little more difficult to receive or give, sometimes it’s too much, not wanted, in the wrong area. Giving help can be complicated. 

Fear

Fear is probably one of the hardest emotions to deal with and maybe the most difficult to express.  Telling someone you are frightened is a vulnerable state to put ourselves in and yet receiving someone else’s concern of fear is always so welcome and relatable. Sometimes fear can turn into anger. Fear of the unknown surrounds us daily.

Peace

Expressing this can sometimes seem slightly self righteous. Maybe because we are not used to this state of mind being expressed, it can seem strange to some of us.  However peace can be as beautiful as love.

However we choose to express ourselves there is no right or wrong. We all have parts that we would rather conceal from the world. Expressing these hidden parts of ourselves is Art.

The Idiot – Fyodor Dostoevsky

‘Aha! do—by all means! if you tan my hide you won’t turn me away from your society. You’ll bind me to you, with your lash, for ever…..’

A few years ago I became slightly obsessed with Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina. Now it is another Russian writer who has whisked me away into his world.

Dostoevsky first courted me with his Brothers Karminov, when a writer makes you laugh out loud I believe they are living through you. I had found a male writer making fun of the male frailties, I had so often encountered but had not been able to distinguish, I adored it. The characters and the authors voice were so endearing yet powerful, enticing and confronting. Of course his portrayal of the females were dated and sexist but as he seemed to be equally sexist of the men the story was balanced. Did he know how progressive his thinking was, I wonder in mid 1800’s?

Now it is The Idiot I am reading and again his perspective of male fragility and superiority, fear disguised as pomposity is so endearing. I enjoy observing our human ridiculousness, our rights and wrongs so blatantly made fun of. Conversation flows from the page, nothing stilted and yet the atmosphere so awkward, the characters flaws portrayed perfectly to charm the reader.

It’s just so wonderful to fall in love with a writers words. I can thoroughly recommend Dostoevsky to add humour and humility to your day! Buy his books here!

Crime and Punishment is my next read.

Single Parents

As a single parent I thought I would join a single parents online group to see how others cope with going it alone! I was looking for support as most of my friends are married or living with new partners (tried that didn’t work, Kathryn Ryan is right, I love dolphins but I don’t want to live with one of those either!).

After a couple of weeks in the group I’d followed a few threads about meeting up via zoom, which never fell on the days I don’t have the kids so that didn’t work. I didn’t want to talk about strategy or vulnerabilities in front of my troops!

I followed threads and commented a bit but something wasn’t quite fitting. I was seeing posts from proud dads with their sons woodwork project. Photos of Mums in the park with their kids. Then there were the other photos, the roast dinner, bottle of wine and fire in the background and the ‘new selfie’ with her off the shoulder jumper.

All of a sudden it dawned on me, is this a ‘Single‘ parents group or a single ‘Parents’ group? It seemed some of us were looking for very different kinds of comfort. I told my manfriend that I had joined the group. His reaction was hard to read. I am a single parent doing this on my own I’m just looking for like minded parents. It’s not like I was window shopping on tinder, that’s so last year and hello, Covid alert!

A week later the group name changed to Single Mums & Dads. Well that didn’t clarify anything for me, I thought I’d message someone on there and see what they thought. Well the reply of photo half naked in a hot tub was self explanatory, he should of been on tinder and I should have read between the lines!