Parent

Too Much Love

/ frankiebanks27@gmail.com

Watching my daughter play tennis is such a rewarding experience as it would be for any parent, surely? The love just swells in my heart to see her enjoy the game.

Even when my kids are not the most competent watching them ‘have a go’ is inspiring. The ‘you never know, have a go’ mentality of Australia is one of my favourite things about living in Aus!

So, when another child’s parent started clapping at my girls mistakes the fierce mumma bear reared her angry head. Maybe this parent did not know the etiquette of tennis and that you clap at points won not lost? In my English way I glared in the direction of the other mother, the glare gone unseen by her but not the other parents.

At two games all the clapping was becoming annoying to even my levelheaded daughter who I could see an Andy Murray esq muttering under her breath as she prepared to serve, the morning sun beating down on the clay court exacerbating the heated game.

‘I kept muttering what’s all the clapping about? You clap at the end of a game not every point!’ she later confided in the car.

‘Yes, it must of been very distracting and was quite rude really’ I replied. ‘It certainly didn’t help her son win did it?’

‘Did you see that he came off crying, I think she put too much pressure on him’ she replied.  I hadn’t seen that and felt sorry that this child we did not know was made to feel like he had done anything wrong.

My girl won 6-3. She walked the length of the court to touch rackets and say well done (handshaking since covid now a thing of the past). Unfortunately, her opponent threw his racket to the ground. Ignoring his tantrum, she persistently made eye contact with him and said, ‘You played really well’ to no response.

I was proud of my daughter not because she won but because of her humility in her actions.

Later whilst watching Enola Holmes together on the sofa, I said ‘maybe that parent felt the pressure of being the away team and not in her own surroundings!?’

‘You have too much love Mum she just shouldn’t of behaved like that!’

I think back to my first experience of tennis, watching Wimbledon on tv with my Nan. What would her reaction have been to this parents’ actions; she would of tutted for sure! Whatever happened to tutting? It must be a generational thing; I haven’t heard anyone tut at something for years! Another passive aggressive way of showing emotion, slightly more acceptable than clapping at someone’s mistakes, I wonder?

Single Parents

/ frankiebanks27@gmail.com

As a single parent I thought I would join a single parents online group to see how others cope with going it alone! I was looking for support as most of my friends are married or living with new partners (tried that didn’t work, Kathryn Ryan is right, I love dolphins but I don’t want to live with one of those either!).

After a couple of weeks in the group I’d followed a few threads about meeting up via zoom, which never fell on the days I don’t have the kids so that didn’t work. I didn’t want to talk about strategy or vulnerabilities in front of my troops!

I followed threads and commented a bit but something wasn’t quite fitting. I was seeing posts from proud dads with their sons woodwork project. Photos of Mums in the park with their kids. Then there were the other photos, the roast dinner, bottle of wine and fire in the background and the ‘new selfie’ with her off the shoulder jumper.

All of a sudden it dawned on me, is this a ‘Single‘ parents group or a single ‘Parents’ group? It seemed some of us were looking for very different kinds of comfort. I told my manfriend that I had joined the group. His reaction was hard to read. I am a single parent doing this on my own I’m just looking for like minded parents. It’s not like I was window shopping on tinder, that’s so last year and hello, Covid alert!

A week later the group name changed to Single Mums & Dads. Well that didn’t clarify anything for me, I thought I’d message someone on there and see what they thought. Well the reply of photo half naked in a hot tub was self explanatory, he should of been on tinder and I should have read between the lines!

Reading Returned

/ frankiebanks27@gmail.com

Reading a passion returned

One good thing that came out of the covid 19 lockdown was my passion for reading returned! Mentors by Russell Brand was an interesting book, I know we all need mentors in our life but not many people actively seek them out, most of the time they occur by accident, not intention. This story of mentors and mentoring was inspiring, from his therapists through to teachers and trainers. I wonder if he had not been an addict, admitted to being an addict or received help, would he had discovered mentors at all? The quote stuck with me and was my takeaway from the book;

“We are first a parent to ourselves”

Brand was questioning what right did he have to be a parent or mentor to a tiny human when he had not mentored or parented himself very well. A great question that perhaps many of us should ask! However would the human race survive if any of us were truthful with the answer? Self care is now a hot topic but 50 years ago did it go by another name or simply not exist? Through mentoring we can realise our own strengths and weaknesses and hopefully develop ourselves and others. Everyone has something to offer by way of advice and lessons learnt, if advice is sought surely it is a human responsibility to mentor.

A Room of One’s Own – Virginia Woolfe

Having owned a hard copy of this book for about 10 years I have picked it up four or five times to read without success. I knew it was a book that as a woman I should read but every time I started it overwhelmed me; I didn’t understand what Virginia Woolfe was trying to say!

Listening was easier; the narrator was an actress from many period dramas  and it was as if Virginia Woolf herself was in the room. This is not a work of fiction or memoir, I realised; this is an essay! Finally it clicked I could hear the words for what they were, researched opinion.

It was funny, insightful with strong feminist views that I enjoyed hearing. It made me proud to be a woman and want to write more compelling stories myself.  I have also read two more essay style memoirs; Phosphorescence by Julia Baird and The Moment of Lift by Melinda Gates both definitely worth a read for any women needing a powerful pick me up.

The Barefoot investor – Scott Pape

Well this was a relief; I realised I was doing a lot of things right with my finances. Amazingly it made me realise how happy I am and also how to plan more effectively for my future. I thoroughly recommend this book to anyone wanting to save or increase their wealth. Don’t make the mistake of thinking it is only for the wealthy!

What are you listening to?

 

I’m Not Your Adventure!

/ frankiebanks27@gmail.com

“I’m not your Adventure”

I love this line from Transparent which I have been binging on recently. 

Families are always a wonderful emotional hook for readers, watchers and listeners! Transparent  is such a great piece of writing and at its core displays the amazing glue of a very ‘dysfunctional’ (sorry, I’ve never met a completely functional) family. Being a parent is an adventure all of it’s own but sometimes can feel like climbing Everest.  Like life you just thing everything is running smoothly and then bang there’s a bump in the road that you have to try to swerve to avoid. Most adventures start with a yearning to change, learn and explore that propel you in directions that not everyone would chose but I agree with this quote, find your own adventure.

Continue reading →

Games of Love

/ frankiebanks27@gmail.com

Games People Play is a book I enjoyed reading whilst I was studying.  Berne explores transactional analysis by way of the parent, adult and child.  I on the other hand decided to take a slightly broader look at who my characters chose as partners, their parent, child or equal.

Lets start with Milla, she thinks she wants a parent to look after her and so looks for men with power unfortunately it soon becomes clear that she will always be the victim in this situation.  Then along comes Tabatha, she doesn’t control Milla, she lays back and enjoys Milla’s courage. Tabatha is strong enough to be her equal and so neither has to fall into the victim persona.

Stacey is the mum in all aspects of her life and craves to be the child, the one who is looked after.  She doesn’t want to give her power up completely and so this relationship can only ever be casual, this way she is still in control of her life and others.

Sharon has succumb to her child fantasies with Lenny, as he worships her and keeps her captive.  Her fun in the cellar has fueled her power and now she wants to explore the world and needs a more experienced ‘Daddy’ to lead her, Harry gladly accepts her hand.

Tabatha wants to play the adult so badly she is striving for this, to be the best she can be and takes every opportunity.   When she realises that Rick wants a parent she looks elsewhere, she doesn’t want that responsibility because she knows it will weigh her down.

So what role is Harry playing?  The parent to them all, he loves the power and for a while he relies on his equal at home, his wife Lin but what happens when he has no equal?  When Lin decides it is her time to grow and not be held back by her ‘child’ Harry’s world starts to fall apart, no one has his back any more and he starts to slowly unravel.  Will Sharon be able to take on the role, is she strong enough? Or will Harry finally take control of his life, his emotions and himself.

What game are you playing? Is it your best?

My novel Sharks & Lovers is available here; Amazon, iBooks, Kobo