Dolphins

We are so lucky to live somewhere that spotting dolphins from the shore whilst walking the dog is a regular occurrence.  The first time I recognised what was happening was a few years ago while I was walking my beautiful kelpie Ray.  All of a sudden Ray spotted a group of seagulls circling the water about 300 meters from the beach, puppy went crazy running up and down barking, what were they doing? I stopped and looked and all of a sudden a fin came out of the water and then another, the dolphins were feeding and the seagulls wanted some freebies!

So now whenever I see a group of gulls a couple of hundred meters from the shore I look for the fins and generally they are there, its a beautiful sight.

Today however was different I spotted the fins as I walked down the cliffs, Ray hadn’t seen them and there were no gulls! I kept looking but they were doing a different dance today, swimming on their backs, swimming on their sides, almost waving at us, but still no gulls, they obviously weren’t feeding.

Then I saw another group and another, there must have been four or five pods of dolphins all playing, I had never seen anything like it and couldn’t take my eyes away from them. It was like they were playing football or basketball, up and down and in a out of the water they swam. Even after our walk as we wandered back up the cliffs they were still at it! Waving and flipping around.

I stood at the top of the cliffs and then I realised what they were doing! Doh! I had a little giggle at these wonderful creatures obviously enjoying themselves enormously. I wanted to tell someone to come and watch with me, it was such a wonderful, beautiful amazing sight. Instead I wandered back to the car and smiled all the way home.

9-5

A couple of years ago I started back at a 9-5 it seemed typical that whilst everyone had discovered working from home. Myself, having done that for 7 years I was going back into the office! Life sometimes hands you the dichotomy of your dreams, that doesn’t mean it’s not the right path it’s just a little curve in the road.

It’s a strange concept being in an office for 8 hours after 16 years of being at home with my beautiful children and creating a business.

I’ve spent a third of my life at home with my kids and to be honest I missed them terribly. However independence was shoved into their hands and they rose to the challenge going from asking me to get them a drink, they are now able to make themselves breakfast, lunch and dinner!

I came home the other day and my son had mown the lawn, my daughter had brought the washing in, they had both gone and walked the dog together, had lunch at the cafe and dinner was in the oven! Proud is an understatement.

It had been a balmy 35 degrees but the cool easterly wind was found on the balcony and we sat eating our dinner, discussing our day. Family makes what could be Groundhog Day into a lovely day. We watched the birds each commenting on our day enjoying the support and familiarity.

That was the summer holidays, when they return to school I’m sure a new ball game will ensue, that’s if any of us have the energy to catch it.

Vivid Births

Vivid are the births of my children; so much pain and so much pleasure. I would relive either or both for a hundred years, such a powerful sense of self.

With trepidation I entered the ER ward for my first and was thrust into the unempathetic arms of a large African women her skin shimmering from the flourescent lights as she told me how she had ten children and this was the easy bit.

‘Oh Great!’ I thought

Whilst my husband slept in the hospital chair I wriggled and writhed with the power that was trying to escape me. I walked, I stood and in the end I gave way to the nurse and lay down. Big mistake! I lay there for hours enhaling gas and air, occasionally being told I wasn’t ready and to stop pushing. How do you stop a force that only nature can control?

Eventually our beautiful boy was born and I was in shock, you can call it PND or whatever you want but new mothers are in shock! We’ve just had our bodies ripped open to produce another person, a whole new person that we are so emotionally and physically connected to that a change in their breathing can make our nipples leak and our vagina flood, not to mention our mood literally trapeze.

This shock was a wave of impressionist thinking, it wasn’t the real world just something I had created to survive. The world had changed on its axis and nothing would look the same again. It was play dates with 3 month olds, they can’t play! It was weigh ins at the clinic for a child who isn’t moving only eating. It was coffee with Mums who all talk at once whilst each are leaking from somewhere. It was walks to the park to sit on a swing, gently, whilst the stitches heal.

I had no idea what to do all I could do was try to love this creature that wanted nothing but yet everything.

My second birth was blissful! No hospital this time, a home birth, a birthing pool, my folks to look after baby number one and The Ashes for hubby to watch. Of course there was effort involved and wobbly moments if I wondered if a home birth was a selfish choice. But with music and candles in the front room of our 300 year old Hertfordshire home that had probably witnessed many births over the years, my baby was nurtured into this world.

I was bathed in my roll top bath with my baby, the midwife had ran the bath and afterwards sat me at my dressing table and brushed my hair! All on the NHS, she was pushy and in charge and exactly what I needed. I hadn’t respected the brash matter of fact midwife with number one but I had grown in the last three years and realised what was required.

The powerful sense of self whilst giving birth the fact that there can be only one result which is the baby will come out. The fact that we are forever connected makes me realise these significant days are to be cherished even after the fact.

The first few weeks of number two was easier but not easy this time I was breast feeding and so could take that private opportunity to breathe. Trying to nurture my boy at the same time not always easy but a necessity. Making our new bundle a play thing.

Watching the two of them roll around on the floor playing like cats giggling, tickling and occasionally scratching, finding their place in the pack. Listening to their squabbles, their questions and support for each other. I wouldn’t change a thing.

The Murray

Whilst on holiday by the Murray River I was able to lose my self persecution of why, if and how and replaced these questions with evidence of now.

Discovering new destinations for this road now so strong, not that crumpled bitumen that seemed to take so long.

Turbulent and exhilarating the street signs just a blur and then some traffic lights to check what might occur.

The Murray River winding through sandy banks, reflections of gum trees and muted sun, a water road, soft yet strong wandering and wondering, flowing like a song.

Fight, Flight, Flow and Freeze

I recently read a meme on Facebook:

‘I’ve thought about running away a lot more as an adult than I ever did as a child!’.

My primal instinct has always been flight not fight and although I laughed out loud on reflection I thought about all the times I did want to run away as an adult.

Ending up at a free camp site 4 hours from Melbourne, my camp chair plonked in the river on a 40 degree January day. Another time taking the kids to Adelaide, when I was aiming for Alice Springs and another flight of fancy in my twenties a trip alone to Nimes, France, the list goes on…

Right now in my life I don’t want to run away from anything or anyone.  It’s a nice place to be.

Fight

Fight is an interesting place to find yourself, anger rising until it has to explode. I’ve always liked to think I am a lover not a fighter however there are times, especially with my motherly instincts that fight can be ignited. It’s not somewhere I generally inhabit and it usually involves conflict with a vacuum cleaner to be honest, bloody things! I’ve broken more than I care to mention maybe I should stop fighting with them and run away next time.

Flow

Flow is my favourite place to inhabit and I believe we all have moments of flow, when your brain switches off from distraction and you are purely focused. I experienced this whilst writing my first book. However after experiencing such huge amounts of it in one year I could then appreciate the other ways in which flow works in life, at work or studying, even housework or spreadsheets. Sometimes shutting off from the world is easy, sometimes not.  Meditation i believe is another form of flow and one I have only recently discovered, such a blissful state.

Freeze

Freeze is another place I have inhabited on a few occassions and apparently trauma can bring this human reaction on.  Again once it has been ignited I believe it is easy to relive.  It’s not necassarily a nice place to be but the brains way of protecting us. It’s not always trauma, time can freeze in wonderful moments too watching a band or holding a hand when all of our emotions are hightened and the brain seems to slow down and freeze frame.

What a lot of F’s!

 

 

Unconditional Positive Regard

Carl Rogers came up with this theory of Unconditional Positive Regard being one of the founders of humanistic psychology.

Wouldn’t it be Absolutely Amazing if everyone gave each other this Kind of regard. Of course Mr Rogers was talking about in a clinical setting and not everyday life because surely that would be impossible wouldn’t it?

Not when I’m driving to work and negatively commenting on everyone else’s driving techniques which are obviously far worse than mine!

Not when the school sends ridiculous emails or messages about students and I wonder incredulous at how disorganised they seem to be, not in fact realising I have never and would never want to try to organise over 1000 hormonal teens, two is quite enough thank you!

Not when my dog is running on the beach being the silly boy he is and another family walk towards us, ‘here we go’ I think. Unconditional positive regard couldn’t be further from my thoughts; will they put their dog on a lead just that second too late so that I can’t catch pup, maybe I’ll put him on a lead now so that can’t happen, maybe they’ll want a play, maybe the other dog is aggressive, maybe I should just turn around and walk the other way. Generally I’ll put him back on the lead to avoid confrontation.

Occasionally unconditional positive regard is met and the dogs have a lovely play and when ready both owners walk away happy that their dog has been happily social.

Occasionally on my way to work someone will give way, or I will give way to them and we will acknowledge each other with a friendly smile or wave.

Occasionally I will be so impressed with the way the school has included our children in social or academic programs that perhaps they wouldn’t normally have the chance to do that I will send an email or go in and talk to them about what a good job they are doing.

Occasionally isn’t really good enough but it’s a start at trying to project unconditional positive regard to my fellow humans.

Aging

This quote about aging came to me yesterday on good old facebook and after a morning on my cross-trainer and realising I’m definitely not as young as I used to be (obviously). I was wondering how I got to 45 when 40 seemed only a few years ago and then I remembered good Ol’ lockdown was in the middle for two years.

I am however enjoying the aging process; my tummy might be slightly bigger than it was twenty years ago but so are my boobs! There’s always a silver lining. My frown lines might be a little deeper but so are my thoughts and kindness towards others. I have an understanding and much more empathy for my fellow human than I did in my twenties.  I have a lot less questions now also which brings more happiness, my laughter lines are pretty permanent however the smile that precedes is never far away and always willing to give.

Aging is an extraordinary process, and we are privileged to experience it.

Big and Horny

Big and Horny are a Melbourne based cover band with an amazing brass section, although it’s been a long time since I have played saxophone as the singer called, “more sax or more sex?”  I knew which I wanted.

Being from Essex, Brassy has always been in my blood I think. Amazing how a derogatory word ‘mainly associated with women’ can bring out the rebel. Why not be loud and proud, audaciously entertaining. Surely the times of being little submissive wifey are over, well they certainly are for me!

A few days previously I had bought a cheap clarinet and then found myself at the front of the stage at Big & Horny shaking my thing. I did take the clarinet out of the box and put it together.  However, I then realised my brassy lung power had obviously dwindled in the woodwind section for quite some time now, I would need a lot more practice.

It was fantastic to see some great musicians and reminded me of Ronnie Scotts in London.  It was innocent fun, enjoyed by all, a collective of conscious happiness, boogying into the early hours. Dancing on a glass table at Ronnie’s Scott’s in the private members lounge will always be a fond memory, far too much champagne! When the two doormen gently helped me down I felt like a Princess being escorted from my carriage.

On this night however my dance partner for the evening was a 6ft4 Aussie with thankfully no glass tables in sight. I’ve never danced with anyone that tall before and it was an exciting expression of our growing friendship. Being twirled around by his big strong arms reminded me of my dancing days as a kid, latin and ballroom classes that I loved so much. Freedom on the dance floor, letting go of the stresses and strains.

Thanks, Big and Horny for reminding me that brassy is definitely a good place to be!

The Silly Hat

Whilst on holiday this Easter with my folks and kids at Warburton in the Yarra Valley the silly hat made an appearance. This has long been a theme in my life, has it been in yours or perhaps you are more of a cool hat kinda person?

It started with my parents, it always does, doesn’t it? My Dad would generally be sporting a floppy wide brimmed hat for his boat. I say for his boat as if this is some kind of excuse oh no, that was just one silly hat of many, there was his silly camping hat, very similar in fact to the boat hat just a slightly different shade of khaki and of course his summer hat. Then one Christmas to top all silly hats, someone bought him the hat with the propeller on the top, luckily even he thought that was way too silly!

My next silly hat encounter was my mums silly floppy white summer hat, I have a memory of her and her four sisters all wearing the same silly white hats on a summer day in my Nans Garden. I might have made that up as a memory or it might have been true. But I can assure you that they all looked very silly!

My Sunday school teachers had also bought the same white floppy summer hats and on our trip to Seaton in Devon they all proudly wore them every day. Somehow because they were Sunday School teachers this didn’t calculate to silly, I’m not sure why? What was silly was that I had forgotten my swimsuit and so one of the teachers (all over 50) had lent me hers. At around nine years old I though it strange that this very flowery swimsuit had some kind of chest structure of which I had nothing to fill it with.  It didn’t stop me swimming for a good long way, I think probably the longest swim of my life. Maybe I was simply trying to get away from these silly white hat wearing ladies or perhaps I just didn’t want to get out of the water wearing the oversized swimming suit with the huge hollow pointy things in front. Silly it would seem I did not yet want to embrace!

And so, this Easter as I wandered back up the muddy bank from the rampaging river in Warby the kids were laughing their heads off at me, it was my turn to wear the silly hat. The horrible truth is I don’t think it is a silly hat, I think it’s a lovely hat, in fact it’s my favourite hat! However, I am more than happy to be silly if it makes anyone laugh or even smile. Yes, I have turned into my parents, inevitable, I guess!

Some people never look silly in a hat they look like they were born with one on their head. The Australian Akubra for example is a serious hat and can look oh so handsome, not silly at all! One day I might just be cool enough to wear one.

Friend or Foe

We all have a foe in our lives.

Whilst chatting with a girlfriend at our usual beach cafe I started to share the woes of an extremely ‘not for profit’ relationship I had experienced a while ago. You know the ones, put everything in and get nothing out other than an overwhelming feeling that you are being ‘good’ by keeping the status quo and continuing to give.

My friend who then as with the way of friendship took her turn to tell me about Harry, an old boyfriend who was still following her around when he could. (Another not for profit relationship). All of a sudden I realised everyone has a foe, that person that you can’t ever seem to make disappear, however much you try. They hang around and try to bleed you dry of your kindness.

This foe is manipulative and disruptive and more stubborn than a 2 yr old. They won’t let go because they know you’re an easy target. You want to please and be good and love everyone and so they exploit your good nature.

The foe wave however as with most waves ends in a crash, in Australia those beautiful, dramatic, chaotic waves can put you in the ‘wash cycle’. Your head spinning, the wave dumping you on the shore, literally washed up. Sand in every crevice, and that horrible tingling in your sinuses making you nauseous.

‘Harry is your foe not your friend’ I tell her and we laugh at this strange old fashioned word.

‘I’ve know him for so long’ she says in defense.

Just because you are aware of your foe it doesn’t mean you actually want to let them go. They bring excitement that you have become accustomed to. Your kindness to them is a cycle you know and enjoy.

You continue your walk in the sunshine the squalls of seagulls warning you of the next predator. However you’re too stunned by the last trauma to see that this is just another foe walking towards you surrounding you with their devastating charm, this one has its own banana boat, what could possibly go wrong?