Lust – Roald Dahl

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Tales of Craving and Desire by Roald Dahl

I couldn’t believe it when I stumbled across my favourite childhood writer Roald Dahl writing in the genre of eroticism!

Published as a collection of short stories in 2016 going back to 1945 I couldn’t help feeling these were true tales from a writers life, rather than his norm of fiction they felt like diary entries! Could RD have written these as fictional memoir?

At first I thought him stuffy in his opinions around women and sex but I realised that was as much about the era these stories were written in than the opinions of the writer himself. I always think of Jane Austen and how she would have written sex scenes; I would want her to be fully expressive but the reality is there is no way she could be.

Touring with Sexpo opened my eyes to the eyes wide shut, so many surrounded by sex and yet still whispering about the glaringly obvious.

How fantastic of Mr Fox to write in a genre so opposed to his norm of youth and yet did he actually want these published? Were they personal scripts? It does beg the question who has the right to publish your work?

It paints a very different vision of this revered man, I’m not sure I’ll be sharing these books with my daughter even when she does turn 21!

Check them out!

https://www.booktopia.com.au/lust-roald-dahl/book/9780718185619.html?source=pla&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIhonr_vac5QIVFSUrCh2p6gjlEAQYASABEgKgb_D_BwE

Seven Years In Australia

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After seven years in Australia I thought I’d write a little list of sometimes silly observations that you might not know about Awesome Australia.

1. Ducks sit sixty feet up in gum trees. Or in people’s pools.

2. Fairdinkum is overheard more than you would think. In fact my brother heard it on his first week in Aus. I think it’s a polite way of saying wtf! Every foreigner melts when we hear it in real life having grown up with our ‘Neighbours’.

3. Afternoon tea is a daily occurrence and if you have kids at school you will be invited to have ‘afternoon tea’ which is basically a play date. When first invited I thought my pal was taking the piss out of me being English. Morning tea is also a thing.

4. Snakes are even in the suburbs and sightings on the local fb groups are often posted. In fact one yesterday was seen at the reserve where I walk my dog. I reckon if you stay away from them, they stay away from you! Walk with purpose!

5. Poisonous spiders are also everywhere, however as they don’t kill you, you get used to them. At my place they live in the log pile, red backs. Even the huge huntsman you start to name as they stay in your house for the rainy days, they can be as big as your hand but like all these things, they are generally more scared of you.

6. Kookaburra’s do sit on the telephone wire but also sound like monkeys at night as they cackle together.

7. Shark sightings are also posted on local fb groups, not many in Melbourne, only a few in the last seven years. Lots of dolphins that I’ve seen though!

8. Driving is very different. No one gives way if you are coming out of a junction and turning right.  Also Right turns at traffic lights sometimes require you to hover in the middle of the oncoming traffic until you can go.

9. Supermarkets pack your shopping for you, yes even if you take your own bags. (Apart from Aldi).

10. ALL schools require fees.

11. To say Australian women wear the trousers is an understatement but it’s great to see!

12. There are local tv adverts which are hilarious.

13. Snow season is June-August in Victoria and requires a trip to the Alpine regions. You drive to the top of huge mountains with black fire burnt gum trees covered in snow, it’s an unusual sight.

14. Everyone knows someone who has escaped a bush fire. The 2020 fires in Victoria where the worst I’ve seen.  Thank goodness for the CFA who are volunteer based! I also know a guy who escaped Black Sunday his story is amazing, perhaps another blog!

15. The highest temperature I’ve recorded here is 52 degrees C, aircon on and don’t go outside!

16. Drinks in pubs are far more expensive in Australia than the UK and many restaurants are BYO.

17. A Dr’s appointment is about $40. If you don’t have ambulance cover (which most people do) an ambulance call out is around $3k.

18. When going for a bbq at a friends take a plate of food and bringing your own esky full of ‘grog’ is a common occurrence.

19. Having a glass of wine in the park whilst the kids play is also very acceptable.

20. There are two kinds of crazy winds that we experience in Victoria, the arctic blasts which chill you to the bone in winter and the hot North winds coming down from the red centre that make you melt in summer.

Well I think that’s about it until next time, if you have any questions about Awesome Australia please drop me a line frankiebanks27@gmail.com

To read about my other experiences in Australia please click on and read from these posts…Fifth Christmas in Australia, The Lucky Country, A day at The Victoria State Library, Kakadu (Gagudju) National Park, Darwin Flight, Skinny Dip

Why Write?

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In this instant age will writing become a thing of the past? I do hope not but for many it certainly is no longer a pastime for healing or self reflection. Has writing become another instant recognition process, another ‘like’, whilst telling the world what you believe they want to hear?

Writing is a soft approach to expel emotion and create order, it’s an effective way to make decisions, plan and dream. It’s a wonderful story telling device that can help dissolve the prejudices of old or the competing, calculative new. Of course writing is an education for the giver and taker; writer and reader, even if they are one and the same.

Nowadays writing isn’t about putting pen to paper it’s about lists on your phone, creating content on your pad or typing on your laptop, even dictating an email. There are so many new ways to write surely it should be a growing culture not a declining one!

When writing a memoir, diary, notes or simply scribbling some sentences, it gets the nonsense out of our head and heart. Creating space for new conversations, curiosity and inquiries, it helps us grow internally but who can see that gain?

Whilst recently editing for a client this particular person repeated ‘along the way’ continuously through an interview, I enjoyed how gentle and soothing those three words were. He was one of the worlds top psychologists and obviously very conscious of his diction and how it affects himself and others. If only we could all be that mindful, it must take a lot of practice.

Perhaps you will release a new memory from writing something forgotten for so long that you now wonder if it’s fiction or fact. It’s out of you now, on paper to read or burn, to keep hidden or share with loved ones.

A substitution of descriptions can sometimes give new perspective to situations that have been so welded into our beliefs that they have stopped us or even made us retreat. Why not rewrite your history if it will help propel you forward?

Creating our own dictionary for life that is forever evolving is the production of reading and writing. Occasionally we need to reread to ensure it’s as close to reality as we want to get and as encouraging to our well being as possible.

Creating our own worlds from words is what we learn from childhood to do and sometimes we need to rewrite these words, rewrite our world. As it changes and grows so too does our vocabulary. Culling some of the less invigorating or creating more positive sentences to tell ourselves and others can literally change lives, writing those words down can change the world around us.

Love

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When you don’t have love in your life it can be a very lonely existence. I’m sure we have all been there, feeling alone and shut out. Sharing my heart, reciprocated or not has always been a joy to me. I find so much pleasure in giving that in the past I have found myself exhausted.

However what I am getting better at is reading what I receive in return for the energy I put into people. Obviously the exchange is not always what they think it should be and some do not want exchange at all. That’s ok you can have a taste of my world and my love but I now know when to retract my love and let you go. I will never give to receive but I will never give endlessly either. Energy is precious.

It is extraordinary to think that people don’t want to experience love and are intent on vicious circles of anger, resentment and bitterness. Maybe it’s been some time since they experienced love or perhaps they have given up on the idea, been rejected or worse.

When my children were born one of the biggest lessons as a new Mum was that these beautiful bundles of joy only ever mirrored my emotions. When I was upset so were they, when I was happy so were they, when I was frustrated guess what…

People are mirrors and we need to be careful what, why and when we project our emotions.

Project what you want to receive!

Purpose & Love – Mums

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I have to admit that I thought Mums who went back to work within 3 months of their children being born were Selfish. I’m talking about Mums that didn’t need to go back to work for cash reasons. 

My perspective has changed so much! Now I know what it is to be passionate about your work and have true purpose for yourself.  Life is about choices and realising that you are in charge of them and can make anything happen! You do not have to follow your family’s footprints or your friends ideals. 

I loved my time with my babies, for the first seven or eight years of their life I was consumed by them.  Sometimes life took over and when stresses were high I have to admit I had limited outlets but that is no fault but my own.  We all choose the path we follow.

Having spent seven years in the city working and playing hard then having chosen to be a stay at home Mum not surprisingly my income capabilities changed dramatically.  I still worked part-time, book keeping and Chairing a Playgroup kept me busy. I also studied Interior Design and Feng Shui, ultimately  I had ‘me time’ but it wasn’t a passion and my purpose was my love; being Mum.

When I work away from home now I go with such intent that I am focused on my rewards, my children are always there with me in my heart but I have a purpose that is so different to the caring, loving Mum.  I come home and fall in love with my children all over again and it just makes our connection stronger. I can see them from a new perspective now one that wants them to grow in all of the directions that I have and many, many more.

What has been an invaluable learning from the changes in my life is that what works for one family doesn’t necessarily work for another but that doesn’t make it wrong.  We all have our own way of making a cup of tea, when you can sit back and appreciate the taste of difference you know you are accepting all the colours of life.

I love my work and I love my children, maybe women can have it all!

Escape

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Being divorced and a single Mum is extremely liberating but like anything that is rewarding it’s also hard work and a huge amount of responsibility. There are many “women’s divorce counsellors” pointing the finger at men who don’t communicate, are controlling and narcissistic. Personally, I’ve met far more women who show their narcissistic traits as a badge of honour!

I can’t help but feel admiration for any man or woman who is a provider because it’s bloody hard work and perhaps we are all just finding ways to escape the drudge of it all?

I often return to childhood to escape the mundane tasks of adulthood. Put the music on loud to do the cleaning, treat myself to a cake when I’m feeling down, sing loudly in the car to release frustration and of course my all time favourite return to childhood, write it out of my head and onto the page. All of these mechanisms to escape reality or to cope are generally healthy but what about the ones that aren’t? I had a realisation this week about clinging onto our childhood and what a negative role this can have rather than positive.

We think of the child in us as the free spirit, the creative but they can also be the confused or fearful part of ourselves as we replay past childhood behaviours, playground behaviour. The what if instead of the secure knowing.

Where else is there to escape to, is ego an option? Could you list all the great and wonderful achievements you have created or simply talk about them to others. Some create great business models out of this so yes this could be an option! Perhaps social media is the ego coping mechanism; pics of the one time in the month you look and feel ok.

Shadow is a great place to lurk, watching scary movies, or getting dressed up and pretending to be someone else for the night. I watched an actor talk about how he had played a serial killer on stage for two months and he felt walking home from the theater that he was still in character! Hesitantly he explained to the interviewer as his face perceptibly changed from light and happy to dark and sullen, I found myself envious of being able to go that deep into the darkness, what a gift!

I feel a new kind of writing erupting from these thoughts perhaps it’s a murder mystery!

Where do you escape to?

Independence

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Independence Is the key to Success.

Dependant, Independence, Co-dependant, Dependant. Is that the life cycle we are to live?

Whether you are in a relationship or single I truly believe that independence is the key to your success. As soon as co-dependency turns up in your life it initiates a control situation which is where unhealthy relationships evolve. Obviously we all start out in co- dependant/dependant relationships with our parents/carers and maybe that is why some of us are always happier in these relationships and seek sanctuary in them. However I truly believe being at one with yourself can only come through being independent, independently in love with yourself and caring for yourself first above all others.

I’ve spoken in many posts about the ‘Who’s looking after you?’ question. The answer to that has to always be Me.

Victim-Rescuer

There is no need for controlling relationships however at some point in our lives we all want someone to look after us and this is when we release our power to another or even entice someone to take up control of our lives for us, we have given up. We’ve all been there; too tired mentally or physically to carry on with the good fight why not step aside and surrender to the social norm of victim/rescuer, (that Disney has promoted to us on numerous occasions).

I believe that abusive relationships suffered in the past were encouraged by the thinking that one human must be dominated by another. It is frowned upon now but I remember clearly as a child conversations and games that would be labelled wrong now but ‘a bit of fun’ twenty years ago. Evolution is a wonderful thing but only if we learn and act, not just take growth for granted.

So as I teach my children independence it isn’t only about teaching them how to cook, look after themselves and respect themselves although of course all of those things help!It is about owning the power to be independent of others thinking and trusting yourself. It’s about backing your own beliefs and knowing you can lay down and take a break occasionally but that doesn’t mean handing over control to someone else or initiating victim/rescuer behaviour. When that victim behaviour turns up at best you will find a rescuer to control you but when that turns to abuse, will you recognise it? Hopefully with eyes wide open that can interpret what abuse is however whilst in the moment it can be very hard to see!

So how do you stop victim/rescuer relationships when we all like to be the child sometimes. I guess it is just being aware of when you are in that frame of mind and if you have initiated it or if some else’s actions have triggered your victim behaviour.

Healthy & Happy

Independence doesn’t mean no relationships, it means me first. Which as a caring, loving woman isn’t always easy to do but just remembering every day to put me first means I’m healthy for me, I’m working for me, I’m in control of me and nobody else is.

So to all those independent women out there I say ‘Cheers!’

Will I still have a roof over my head if I get divorced?

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“On census night in 2016, there were an estimated 6,866 women over 50 who were homeless — the figure representing a 31 per cent increase since 2011. Most had been married with children and ended up single because of a marriage breakdown, in which they tended to lose the family home.”

This figure does not include I am presuming those living in sheds, beach huts and maybe those living in cars?

Keeping a home is a real worry for any woman divorcing which hopefully seems ridiculous to most, personally it feels disgusting. However if a man has gone out to work whilst you have brought the children up and you don’t get the right advice you could very well assume you have no right to the marital home or that you have no way of securing it. However there are many ways in which a woman can secure their family home, I believe. You might have to disregard opinions from those around you, loved ones and those in higher places of power and probably your bank but with hard work and determination if I can do it anyone can!

It’s 5.18am January 2019 and I have been sitting in this 24 hour Macdonalds now for an hour and a half, I could be mistaken for someone with nowhere to go, nowhere to live, another homeless woman. I started off the night at a friends house but was too uncomfortable, then I did try to sleep in the car at 2.00am, it was too hot. It got up to 40 degrees today and the overnight low was around 29, so sleep for most of Melbourne tonight will be restless.

For me this night is a new experience, a one off; I’m Airbnbing my house to scrape together enough cash to refinance the property and so I actually have no bed tonight. Luckily the kids are at their Dads and we spent the last week of the holidays at a great cheap hotel I found in our first year in Aus, it was a sanctuary then and a sanctuary now. I smiled uncomfortably at the owner as she looked hard at my children,

“Do you know how clever and brave your Mum is?’

As I explained I had found this new income which was helping me secure the mortgage after my divorce. I tried to soak up this unexpected encouragement from a stranger, from one woman to another. I hadn’t found much unbiased encouragement, support or advice since the breakdown of my marriage and so this was new. Could she really see from just a few words that all I wanted is for my kids to be happy, could she really see what I had tried to explain to so many over the last year of emotional turmoil trying to cling to the clear logic that I had done my figures and I was ‘close’, close to being able to secure my home. I didn’t need to blame or feel anger it was simple all I wanted was for myself and my kids to be happy and of course for their Dad to be too.

The first financial advisor I sought help from sat in my kitchen laughing,
‘My wife will never get the house, all she has done is look after the kids!’
My eyes wide at his exclamation, I switched off and stared out of the window at the amazing view to the other side of the peninsula. One of the huge white cockatoos landed outside with a thud, (my messengers of light I like to think of them). I stood up.

‘I have some work to do’ I said

‘Keep in touch and let me know if you need some advice’ he replied

Advice about what, misogyny? I wondered.

As I tried to get comfy in the car lowering the seat back words flashed through my mind, ‘a woman asleep in her car’ it’s something I have seen many times, homelessness. What a shame, for society that this could happen and that many women find themselves in this position after a marriage has ended. I lock the doors in case I do fall asleep and for a few minutes Cinderella flashes into my head (the child in me returning because let’s face it being an adult really is shit sometimes!), watching it on the sofa my boy under one arm, my girl under the other. “Have courage, be kind.” Two traits that come so easily to children and yet us adults sometimes seem to forget when caught in the turmoil that life can bring.

As I sit in the banks small office I try not to fidget or bite my fingernails.

‘You’re close!’ She says ‘Very close with your figures. Unfortunately we don’t do low-doc loans, give me a call if you start to earn enough to register for tax though’

A car door slams loudly and my eyes open to a dusty pink sky. I wonder where my babies are, what they had for tea, if they had a bedtime story or a stay up.

Another financial advisor…

‘Sorry your net income is just too low. Every lender will look at $15k to live on minimum, you have two dependents that are with you over 70% of the time. Sorry can you see what I’m saying?’

Strangely this advice was the guiding light for me even though she was telling me she couldn’t help. I put the phone down onto the kitchen bench, staring again out of the window at the view and knew her words didn’t quite make sense, she had only asked about my net income, not my gross income. I was happy and calm. All I had to do was squeeze a few more thousand out of the world in the next six months. My first job in London at Standard Chartered Bank (20 years ago) mixing with Oxbridge grads did wonders for my money confidence back in the nineties. I learnt alot about perception and money it’s like most things in life if you focus and believe then it comes. It’s that trick called faith! Some financiers seem to perform miracles like magicians but for them it’s just ticking boxes, making the patterns symmetrical to the eye.

“The answer is always there, you just have to ask the right question”

I remember a friend in high places once told me this back when life to me was rather rose tinted. But there’s no reason it’s not true now even when the world seems sharper and more uncomfortable at times.

“You have got the mortgage, congratulations on securing your home” Obviously this came as a text and an email, no one picks up the phone these days do they?

It is very possible if you are getting divorced to secure your home, remember it is 2019 Not 1920. Even though some people’s perception of the world hasn’t changed since then it is up to us which dimension we chose to live in.

If you know anyone going through a divorce or seperation please share this with them, it might bring hope, courage or just some simple kindness.

*First excerpt taken from the below link

https://mobile.abc.net.au/news/2019-04-29/are-tiny-homes-the-answer-for-older-women-facing-homelessness/11049272?pfmredir=sm&sf211762866=1&smid=Page:%20ABC%20Australia-Facebook_Organic&WT.tsrc=Facebook_Organic

Self Belief

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Self Belief

Are you a Man or An Ape

A true princess or a fake

Do you evolve past others whispers

Or cling to their conditions

Look on in competition

Or help those to reposition

Do you reach out to attain

Or slump and remain

Evolution is not just a wonder

Don’t stop too long to ponder

Be open and see in plain sight

Gold buried within a heart

Once stuck, with no flight.

Hold others, with your strength up high

You, yourself then will fly

So get on, get up and fight

Forget that worthless, draining plight

Now is the time to shine your light

That has always been so bright!

Love to you all! Frankie xxx

The Wife

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I realised whilst trying to stuff three passports into my now tiny purse that traveling with children required a little more organisation and concentration than by myself. I had been flying all over for work solo, trying to keep the dollars rolling in but the last time I flew with my children was as a family. As a wife.

The last significant trip, my first as a single Mum was our road trip heading to Alice Springs. We hadn’t reached Alice as on route I had broken down, myself that is not the car! Realising I was not traveling to any destination with these two beautiful children but simply running away from a life I could no longer endure.

What a difference a year makes! On this current trip I have just filed for divorce, the nitty, gritty and yes shitty negotiations are finally over. It seemed with an open heart and mind that we both stood in the kitchen and confided our now much more complicated love lives!

Saying goodbye to Melbourne 2018, definitely the hardest year of my life, where my heart, head and body have endured fight after fight I enjoyed the flight to Thailand immensely, escape! I drank red wine and ate cheese and biscuits whilst watching The Wife with Glen Close. The Wife, something that in one months time I will no longer be. The feeling of loss and failure has now, thank goodness deserted me and I am dreaming of new, exciting possibilities, new passionate writing projects, exploring new places and spending lots of nights snuggled on the sofa with my wonderful kids. As a single woman, an independent woman, controlled only by my thoughts and my actions.

The Wife was a perfect examination of control, power, enabling and selfish behaviors. Neither person could just let each other be, continuous games; exhausting the other with a very confused (grown up) child caught in the middle. It didn’t remind me of my own marriage (hopefully we got out before that set in!) but of February when I lost my own self control and passion for life. My breast became very uncomfortable and after many scans resulting in a comedy horror core biopsy the pain did not disperse. I was supposed to be happy that cancer had not been found but I was still in so much pain I could not find any consolation in the results. The continuous fight with the pain, the doctors and being controlled by this ‘core biopsy’ was humiliating and exhausting. I found myself asking if the psychology of wrestling with my core beliefs through divorce was actually presenting itself physically. The answer was inexplicably yes to me! Surely this was the punishment I had to endure. Like all things it came to an end eventually I’m glad it’s over.

Sitting in the middle of my two wonderful children on the plane I felt everything was right; my boy scoffing everything from the menu, watching every teen flick and my girl snuggled tightly into me there was everything to be grateful for. There is nothing more a mother could want than two happy, healthy children and the assault course of the year drifted away.

Could this really be a light, perhaps even a rainbow emerging from the dark tunnel of 2018?

There is a new saying I see everywhere at the moment ‘I can only control My thoughts and My behaviours.’ I love it, I don’t need to be in control of anything else. I wonder if this saying will inspire a new wave of relationships, a new wave of taking control of yourself first before worrying about what others are doing.

Freedom! A scary word for some but personally I can’t wait! Bring on 2019.