love

Drama Triangle

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I believe we all have a Drama Triangle in our lives it’s just a matter of are we enjoying it? Are we aware of it? Does it feed our need to be ‘special’?

Victim, Persecutor or Rescuer? It isn’t just a question of which one are you? As my eleven year old daughter quite simply put, ‘Yes, different people make you feel or react differently’. We all can play a different role with different people.

With your parents you may want them to be the Rescuer because that is how we have been conditioned as a child. However as you grow up and they get older you may well find yourself rescuing them! I think this is the most placid example of a Drama Triangle situation with the outside world of challenges, responsibilities and friendships acting as the persecutor.

This is a great article about the The Drama Triangle and in my opinion we all feed someone’s, if not our own. Is this subconscious manipulation or simply human nature?

So what’s the problem? Especially if you are the Rescuer because surely that’s the best one to be! Surely you are only helping, not hurting the other people involved?

Even as Rescuer you are keeping the victim stuck and more worryingly you are keeping the persecutor stuck in their role and feeding their behaviour.

Perhaps this victims real and first persecutor was years ago, twenty, thirty, forty, fifty years ago. This is the only relationship model they know and so it is a recurring theme in the victims life. By playing the Rescuer today you are reinforcing the victims behaviour, you are encouraging them to find another persecutor.

#Metoo

This is one of the reasons the #metoo movement didn’t quite sit favourably with me. Abuse of any kind is wrong there is no doubt about it. The movement started with a pure purpose, like so many do. However watching #metoo, methree, mefour, memillions I couldn’t help wondering how many victims were being given justification to live in this blame culture. What about #mefree? At some point we have to forgive, learn and move on.

I also wonder if this movement vindicated the persecutor? – ‘well if I’m a persecutor I had better go persecute someone!’ I realise it’s a very simplistic view but don’t humans like to complicate things?

I wonder how this blame culture will end as we sit to watch the next Witch dropped in to the pond, the next gladiator eaten surprisingly by the tiger.

I adore many feministic views but keeping us in the role of victim, shouting about it and blaming individuals at best is a circus at worst it seems like playground tactics. Have any of the enormous peodophile rings and human trafficking statistics changed since #metoo? I’m thinking Not.

Breaking the Cycle

So how do we break this drama triangle? I believe just being present with our language and not feeding others weaknesses is a place to start. Be kind with our stories of ourselves, to ourselves and others. Realise how and what we trigger and be responsible. Be ourselves, be kind and try not to be reactive.

Forgive and if need be change our behaviour.

By Women For Women – Free For Five Days!

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Fictional Memoir

Fictional memoir, what is that? I hear you say! Capote was the master of this writing as far as I am concerned Breakfast at Tiffany’s etc are perfectly written. However, reading the wonderful tales in By Women For Women he has some competition! These stories from life have been woven into laughter, love and pain, expressing the perseverance of pleasure seeking that all women endure.

The Authors of By Women For Women – Book One

By Women For Women

Christine Rogers is a sassy Kiwi whose love of film and creativity is effervescent in her presence.  Her piece ‘Late to the O Party’ is witty and reminiscent of many first dalliances into the big wide world of sex.  Zoe Hull has produced one of the bravest pieces of writing I have read for a very long time. Meeting at Sexpo what seems like a lifetime ago it’s been a pleasure watching the pride in herself and her writing grow.

Angela Stubbs is an incurable romantic and her writing always oozes so much love. It reminds me of Jane Austen meets 20th century Aussie Chick.  Her journals are soon to become a great Australian read.  Carol Middleton is an award winning author and journalist currently working on her memoir Electric Gypsy which sees her searching for a sense of home in a psychedelic lorry.

Continue reading →

Essex Tails – Urban Fiction

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Underbelly Urban Fiction

Are you a fan of underbelly urban fiction? Well Essex Tails is just that! I remember reading one such book as part of a book club. It was not something I would normally read but I could not put it down! The fact that it was set in my home county of Essex was obviously appealing however as the subject was female trafficking it was somewhat confronting. The problem being that as part of my baby group a friends husband worked in this field of the Metropolitan Police and so as much as ignorance is bliss I unfortunately knew this world I was reading about was anything but fiction!

Essex Tails, an urban fiction set in Southend on Sea

In conjunction with the amazing new author Leo Christian who has taken one of the characters from Sharks and Lovers to a whole new level we have created Essex Tails.  This story of Lenny and Sharon, a drug dealer and his prostitute girlfriend is based on urban legend.  We’ve all had friends of friends who have seen this or heard that and this is where Lenny and Sharon live in that urban legend.

“It all started when I bumped back into Wieger a few weeks ago.  We were great mates back in the ‘80’s when everyone loved everyone! Mainly because of the ‘love doves ‘ (ecstasy tablets) that we were all eating.  He’s this tall Dutch guy that used to travel with his father to Essex where he worked at the oil refinery.  He was an old mate I used to buy from, we would talk about the plans we had to rule the world.  I’d been wondering along the seafront on the way back from a delivery to a regular who’s in a wheelchair and there he was, I hadn’t seen him for bloody years!”

All of our Essex Tails will be 10-15 minute reads and for a limited time Book One is free to download on Amazon with Kindle Unlimited.  However if you would like a free e-book sent to you please just email or message me.  All I ask is that if it grabs your attention and you enjoy the read you log onto Amazon and spend the couple of pounds or dollars it will cost you to write us a review.

Download at Amazon uk here

Download at Amazon Australia here

Email Frankie here for free e-book 

Many Thanks

Frankie & Leo

Skate Night – Truth Night

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Well this is an old post and I honestly can’t remember if at the time I published something similar however I’m pleased to say my faith was rewarded. We must go skating more often!

Skate Night

Skate night often turns into truth night in our house as we rush to get there after school, the conversation in the back of the car is an unloading of the day’s events, achievements and disappointments.

‘I think I will try to have lower expectations of other people’ My son exclaimed as the sunshine and showers followed us along the highway.

‘Ha! You have no idea my boy’ this was all I could muster after a difficult week, dealing with divorce, lawyers and colliding morals and ethics.

‘No!’ My beautiful wide eyed daughter answered ‘you have to believe in people!’

‘You certainly need to have high expectations of yourself’ I chipped in.

My children’s conversation echoed my thoughts after nearly two years of trying to find a way for the three of us to stay in our family home.

‘You just simply can’t afford this house!’

‘If I divorce my wife certainly wouldn’t get the house all she’s done is look after the kids’ – this was a potential financial advisor that wanted my custom!!

‘Go and get a proper job’ – No I don’t want to be gone from my children for 10 hours a day!

Over this time it has been hard not to lose faith in a world that seems to have lost faith in me.

Truth Night

My determination to stay in our home is not a selfish whim but simply after five moves in five years I believe my children deserve to have a family home and I know that I have worked hard to try to achieve this. This is why I have Airbnb’d the place, why I sit most evenings on the sofa with my kids, my laptop next to me working hard to send my hourly invoices out.

Faith

Soon I will know my fate. I believe I will stay in this house with my children because I have faith in my own ability to do so, I will not change my faith and belief in humanity even when positive reinforcement seems a far cry from my immediate needs, I will also continue my writing and share success spiritually, psychologically and physically with my wonderful writing friends because that is why I’ve changed my life so that I can smile at the world even when they are frowning at me!

Why Write?

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In this instant age will writing become a thing of the past? I do hope not but for many it certainly is no longer a pastime for healing or self reflection. Has writing become another instant recognition process, another ‘like’, whilst telling the world what you believe they want to hear?

Writing is a soft approach to expel emotion and create order, it’s an effective way to make decisions, plan and dream. It’s a wonderful story telling device that can help dissolve the prejudices of old or the competing, calculative new. Of course writing is an education for the giver and taker; writer and reader, even if they are one and the same.

Nowadays writing isn’t about putting pen to paper it’s about lists on your phone, creating content on your pad or typing on your laptop, even dictating an email. There are so many new ways to write surely it should be a growing culture not a declining one!

When writing a memoir, diary, notes or simply scribbling some sentences, it gets the nonsense out of our head and heart. Creating space for new conversations, curiosity and inquiries, it helps us grow internally but who can see that gain?

Whilst recently editing for a client this particular person repeated ‘along the way’ continuously through an interview, I enjoyed how gentle and soothing those three words were. He was one of the worlds top psychologists and obviously very conscious of his diction and how it affects himself and others. If only we could all be that mindful, it must take a lot of practice.

Perhaps you will release a new memory from writing something forgotten for so long that you now wonder if it’s fiction or fact. It’s out of you now, on paper to read or burn, to keep hidden or share with loved ones.

A substitution of descriptions can sometimes give new perspective to situations that have been so welded into our beliefs that they have stopped us or even made us retreat. Why not rewrite your history if it will help propel you forward?

Creating our own dictionary for life that is forever evolving is the production of reading and writing. Occasionally we need to reread to ensure it’s as close to reality as we want to get and as encouraging to our well being as possible.

Creating our own worlds from words is what we learn from childhood to do and sometimes we need to rewrite these words, rewrite our world. As it changes and grows so too does our vocabulary. Culling some of the less invigorating or creating more positive sentences to tell ourselves and others can literally change lives, writing those words down can change the world around us.

Love

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When you don’t have love in your life it can be a very lonely existence. I’m sure we have all been there, feeling alone and shut out. Sharing my heart, reciprocated or not has always been a joy to me. I find so much pleasure in giving that in the past I have found myself exhausted.

However what I am getting better at is reading what I receive in return for the energy I put into people. Obviously the exchange is not always what they think it should be and some do not want exchange at all. That’s ok you can have a taste of my world and my love but I now know when to retract my love and let you go. I will never give to receive but I will never give endlessly either. Energy is precious.

It is extraordinary to think that people don’t want to experience love and are intent on vicious circles of anger, resentment and bitterness. Maybe it’s been some time since they experienced love or perhaps they have given up on the idea, been rejected or worse.

When my children were born one of the biggest lessons as a new Mum was that these beautiful bundles of joy only ever mirrored my emotions. When I was upset so were they, when I was happy so were they, when I was frustrated guess what…

People are mirrors and we need to be careful what, why and when we project our emotions.

Project what you want to receive!

Purpose & Love – Mums

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I have to admit that I thought Mums who went back to work within 3 months of their children being born were Selfish. I’m talking about Mums that didn’t need to go back to work for cash reasons. 

My perspective has changed so much! Now I know what it is to be passionate about your work and have true purpose for yourself.  Life is about choices and realising that you are in charge of them and can make anything happen! You do not have to follow your family’s footprints or your friends ideals. 

I loved my time with my babies, for the first seven or eight years of their life I was consumed by them.  Sometimes life took over and when stresses were high I have to admit I had limited outlets but that is no fault but my own.  We all choose the path we follow.

Having spent seven years in the city working and playing hard then having chosen to be a stay at home Mum not surprisingly my income capabilities changed dramatically.  I still worked part-time, book keeping and Chairing a Playgroup kept me busy. I also studied Interior Design and Feng Shui, ultimately  I had ‘me time’ but it wasn’t a passion and my purpose was my love; being Mum.

When I work away from home now I go with such intent that I am focused on my rewards, my children are always there with me in my heart but I have a purpose that is so different to the caring, loving Mum.  I come home and fall in love with my children all over again and it just makes our connection stronger. I can see them from a new perspective now one that wants them to grow in all of the directions that I have and many, many more.

What has been an invaluable learning from the changes in my life is that what works for one family doesn’t necessarily work for another but that doesn’t make it wrong.  We all have our own way of making a cup of tea, when you can sit back and appreciate the taste of difference you know you are accepting all the colours of life.

I love my work and I love my children, maybe women can have it all!

Escape

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Being divorced and a single Mum is extremely liberating but like anything that is rewarding it’s also hard work and a huge amount of responsibility. There are many “women’s divorce counsellors” pointing the finger at men who don’t communicate, are controlling and narcissistic. Personally, I’ve met far more women who show their narcissistic traits as a badge of honour!

I can’t help but feel admiration for any man or woman who is a provider because it’s bloody hard work and perhaps we are all just finding ways to escape the drudge of it all?

I often return to childhood to escape the mundane tasks of adulthood. Put the music on loud to do the cleaning, treat myself to a cake when I’m feeling down, sing loudly in the car to release frustration and of course my all time favourite return to childhood, write it out of my head and onto the page. All of these mechanisms to escape reality or to cope are generally healthy but what about the ones that aren’t? I had a realisation this week about clinging onto our childhood and what a negative role this can have rather than positive.

We think of the child in us as the free spirit, the creative but they can also be the confused or fearful part of ourselves as we replay past childhood behaviours, playground behaviour. The what if instead of the secure knowing.

Where else is there to escape to, is ego an option? Could you list all the great and wonderful achievements you have created or simply talk about them to others. Some create great business models out of this so yes this could be an option! Perhaps social media is the ego coping mechanism; pics of the one time in the month you look and feel ok.

Shadow is a great place to lurk, watching scary movies, or getting dressed up and pretending to be someone else for the night. I watched an actor talk about how he had played a serial killer on stage for two months and he felt walking home from the theater that he was still in character! Hesitantly he explained to the interviewer as his face perceptibly changed from light and happy to dark and sullen, I found myself envious of being able to go that deep into the darkness, what a gift!

I feel a new kind of writing erupting from these thoughts perhaps it’s a murder mystery!

Where do you escape to?

Will I still have a roof over my head if I get divorced?

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“On census night in 2016, there were an estimated 6,866 women over 50 who were homeless — the figure representing a 31 per cent increase since 2011. Most had been married with children and ended up single because of a marriage breakdown, in which they tended to lose the family home.”

This figure does not include I am presuming those living in sheds, beach huts and maybe those living in cars?

Keeping a home is a real worry for any woman divorcing which hopefully seems ridiculous to most, personally it feels disgusting. However if a man has gone out to work whilst you have brought the children up and you don’t get the right advice you could very well assume you have no right to the marital home or that you have no way of securing it. However there are many ways in which a woman can secure their family home, I believe. You might have to disregard opinions from those around you, loved ones and those in higher places of power and probably your bank but with hard work and determination if I can do it anyone can!

It’s 5.18am January 2019 and I have been sitting in this 24 hour Macdonalds now for an hour and a half, I could be mistaken for someone with nowhere to go, nowhere to live, another homeless woman. I started off the night at a friends house but was too uncomfortable, then I did try to sleep in the car at 2.00am, it was too hot. It got up to 40 degrees today and the overnight low was around 29, so sleep for most of Melbourne tonight will be restless.

For me this night is a new experience, a one off; I’m Airbnbing my house to scrape together enough cash to refinance the property and so I actually have no bed tonight. Luckily the kids are at their Dads and we spent the last week of the holidays at a great cheap hotel I found in our first year in Aus, it was a sanctuary then and a sanctuary now. I smiled uncomfortably at the owner as she looked hard at my children,

“Do you know how clever and brave your Mum is?’

As I explained I had found this new income which was helping me secure the mortgage after my divorce. I tried to soak up this unexpected encouragement from a stranger, from one woman to another. I hadn’t found much unbiased encouragement, support or advice since the breakdown of my marriage and so this was new. Could she really see from just a few words that all I wanted is for my kids to be happy, could she really see what I had tried to explain to so many over the last year of emotional turmoil trying to cling to the clear logic that I had done my figures and I was ‘close’, close to being able to secure my home. I didn’t need to blame or feel anger it was simple all I wanted was for myself and my kids to be happy and of course for their Dad to be too.

The first financial advisor I sought help from sat in my kitchen laughing,
‘My wife will never get the house, all she has done is look after the kids!’
My eyes wide at his exclamation, I switched off and stared out of the window at the amazing view to the other side of the peninsula. One of the huge white cockatoos landed outside with a thud, (my messengers of light I like to think of them). I stood up.

‘I have some work to do’ I said

‘Keep in touch and let me know if you need some advice’ he replied

Advice about what, misogyny? I wondered.

As I tried to get comfy in the car lowering the seat back words flashed through my mind, ‘a woman asleep in her car’ it’s something I have seen many times, homelessness. What a shame, for society that this could happen and that many women find themselves in this position after a marriage has ended. I lock the doors in case I do fall asleep and for a few minutes Cinderella flashes into my head (the child in me returning because let’s face it being an adult really is shit sometimes!), watching it on the sofa my boy under one arm, my girl under the other. “Have courage, be kind.” Two traits that come so easily to children and yet us adults sometimes seem to forget when caught in the turmoil that life can bring.

As I sit in the banks small office I try not to fidget or bite my fingernails.

‘You’re close!’ She says ‘Very close with your figures. Unfortunately we don’t do low-doc loans, give me a call if you start to earn enough to register for tax though’

A car door slams loudly and my eyes open to a dusty pink sky. I wonder where my babies are, what they had for tea, if they had a bedtime story or a stay up.

Another financial advisor…

‘Sorry your net income is just too low. Every lender will look at $15k to live on minimum, you have two dependents that are with you over 70% of the time. Sorry can you see what I’m saying?’

Strangely this advice was the guiding light for me even though she was telling me she couldn’t help. I put the phone down onto the kitchen bench, staring again out of the window at the view and knew her words didn’t quite make sense, she had only asked about my net income, not my gross income. I was happy and calm. All I had to do was squeeze a few more thousand out of the world in the next six months. My first job in London at Standard Chartered Bank (20 years ago) mixing with Oxbridge grads did wonders for my money confidence back in the nineties. I learnt alot about perception and money it’s like most things in life if you focus and believe then it comes. It’s that trick called faith! Some financiers seem to perform miracles like magicians but for them it’s just ticking boxes, making the patterns symmetrical to the eye.

“The answer is always there, you just have to ask the right question”

I remember a friend in high places once told me this back when life to me was rather rose tinted. But there’s no reason it’s not true now even when the world seems sharper and more uncomfortable at times.

“You have got the mortgage, congratulations on securing your home” Obviously this came as a text and an email, no one picks up the phone these days do they?

It is very possible if you are getting divorced to secure your home, remember it is 2019 Not 1920. Even though some people’s perception of the world hasn’t changed since then it is up to us which dimension we chose to live in.

If you know anyone going through a divorce or seperation please share this with them, it might bring hope, courage or just some simple kindness.

*First excerpt taken from the below link

https://mobile.abc.net.au/news/2019-04-29/are-tiny-homes-the-answer-for-older-women-facing-homelessness/11049272?pfmredir=sm&sf211762866=1&smid=Page:%20ABC%20Australia-Facebook_Organic&WT.tsrc=Facebook_Organic